Bigots and Bullies

Recent news has been buzzing about what the media is calling a 'growing epidemic' and while the issue has had plenty of air time in the past few days, I don't see the harm in adding one more voice to what I hope is a growing cacophony.

Tyler Clementi probably didn't know what an impact he'd have or that he'd be the one to punctuate a string of publicized suicides linked to sexuality and/or bullying.

Two thirteen-year-olds, a fifteen-year-old, and a nineteen-year-old have committed suicide. Countless children have returned home with cuts, bruises, and even broken bones as a result of being different.

Different from what?

I was bullied as a kid. I was thin and awkward. I sang and danced in public. I talked to myself. I picked an animal a day and would gallop, trot, hop, lope to school in the style of that animal. Yup. I was THAT girl. By Junior High, I was a little more aware of what was socially acceptable, but it didn't stop me from being me. By High School, I was being groped by guys in the halls at school and pushed, hit, kicked, and tripped for any and every infraction from talking to some girls boyfriend to befriending someone that someone else hated. It was brutal.
But then I have to stop and think about the times in my life that I've victimized someone else. Times that I have been the bully. I'm loathe to admit it, but there are many.
Several of the neighborhood boys and girls were afraid to cross my path and I took on many a kid much smaller than myself in the name of defending or avenging my younger brothers. Not only that, but as an adult, there have been times that I've taken advantage of or talked smack about or just plain intimidated someone for no reason but to make them as miserable as I am at that moment.

I've taken solace in the idea that every bully has a bully. I've passed that on to my children in the hopes that could understand the psychology of bullying early. We pass on that which is taught to us.

I was lucky in that I was raised by a Christian family. While my parents weren't that far removed from generations that tend to be a tad more bigoted, they were products of WWII veterans... having learned early what hate can do to an entire race or culture. I was a product of that "make love, not war" generation and a spiritual belief that taught the sanctity of life. From an early age, I was exposed to men with impeccably groomed eyebrows and women who wore a lot of plaid flannel. I suppose I was naive in that it never occurred to me that people would be bullied for their sexuality. Shoot, I didn't even know my own sexuality until I was mature enough to start thinking sexually. I had more than one Junior High or High School romance with a boy who later 'came out' as gay.
Just because I didn't witness the problem doesn't mean it wasn't there. It means I was spared the exposure. My children are not so lucky.

I think I was lucky in that my family taught me love and acceptance and tolerance for everyone. It sounds stupid and cliche, but one of the first songs I ever learned was "Jesus loves the little children". Even in my lifetime, I've seen a change in mentality from "red and yellow, black and white"... my children are half Scotch-Irish/German mutts and half Hispanic. I don't think there really is a black and white any more, which is beautiful and reflects a change in our respective cultures. Remember, desegregation in this country only began about 50 years ago.

It is my fervent hope that it doesn't take as long for us to learn to accept other cultures, religions and sexual orientations.
But I believe it starts at home.

I'll admit, I thought I might be in trouble the first time I was called to the school to discuss my daughter's inappropriate use of a racial slur. In fact, I was mortified... until the teacher explained that she heard my girl shout to another girl, "I am TOO a beaner!"
As I explained to the teacher, my daughter would not have known it was a racial slur. She had come home one day asking what a 'beaner' was. We told her that she was a 'burrito'... you know, white on the outside, brown on the inside. It made perfect sense to her 5-year-old mind and was no longer threatening, but a funny anecdote as an explanation to her heritage. We've always diffused situations with humor in our house. And while we've since emphasized the social concerns about using inconsiderate or 'slang' language in mixed company, I can't help but wonder if I have contributed in any way to the continued bullying from one generation to the next.

I don't think so.

My son has been bullied most of his life. He doesn't always know how to express himself and lacks the assertiveness that is required in this fast-paced, over-stimulated world to make himself heard sometimes. The bullying lessened from Elementary to Junior High and has lessened even more with his arrival at High School.
It gives me hope that our kids aren't as intolerant as we were at that age. It gives me hope that perhaps they're learning (earlier than we did) that more diverse friends are the recipe for a more diverse life. Perhaps they see the friendships and family relationships that flourish under the umbrella of unconditional love.

But if that's true, then why are our children still dying?

I do believe that it starts at home.
How we treat others has repercussions.
Call it karma, call it the 'golden rule', call it what you will. Our actions do have a butterfly effect. Good and bad, positive and negative, it is possible for one person to impact many. The lessons we've learned resonate with our children and our children's children.
Life is too short to ever have an 'us' vs. 'them' mentality. The demands of life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness are hard to come by as it is. The more globally aware we become as a society, the more we are going to be faced with those who are different from us. And the more opportunity we have to grow mentally, emotionally, spiritually and socially.

Tyler Clementi deserved to live his life free and unpersecuted. As do my children. And yours.

There's no harm in loving one another.