Evolving and resolving...

Today was a rough day.

Life takes off and doesn't slow down for months at a time... but when it does, those moments of clarity sneak in through the silence and the stillness. And sometimes that clarity isn't always welcome, but I listen... because the voice within exhibits much more wisdom than I.
There are a ton of issues weighing on my mind emotionally. Career, kids, a possible move out-of-state... I'm gearing up for another short trip to NYC for auditions and then rehearsals start for Gypsy, followed immediately by Next to Normal - which ends the day before my son graduates and a mere week before my lease is up.

As if that wasn't enough, today brought the equivalent of a really horrible break-up.

I've read plenty of books and talked through plenty therapy sessions that helped me diagnose and remove toxic relationships from my life, but no one ever explained the protocol when I'M the toxic one.

In this case, I was faced with a choice... to think only of myself and my own best interests - or to consider the wants and needs of a stranger before my own. It was hard and hurt much more than I expected it to. Through gritted teeth and with a smile of false optimism, I walked away.

Though I know I did the right thing and made a much more mature decision than I typically make, I don't feel any better. I keep waiting for the clouds to part and the weight to lift as the voice within sings, "Good Job! You're a grown up who has finally evolved past her typical level of douchebaggery!"

But instead I only feel loss... an overwhelming sense of loss...
...and sadness.

Anger with myself for helping to create a toxic situation and frustration that there was no 'easy fix', no 'win-win', no mutually beneficial resolution. In order to win, I simply had to lose.

I always thought being an adult would be so much easier than this.

The Circle of (Scripted) Life...

The bottom of my bookshelf is lined with 3-ring binders.

They sit in a neat little row, their spines of varying thickness, most of them black and white - with a blue and green thrown in.

Inside each binder is a script from a past show I've done. The pages are highlighted and dog-eared with scribbled shorthand in the margins and doodles where the director stopped us for notes.

I recycle the binders as I get new scripts. The old scripts come out and go into a bin labeled 'Scripts and Memorabilia'. There are two old paper boxes bearing the same label that contain everything I've done on stage prior to 2002.

I always enjoy pulling out the old scripts. A rush of memories always comes flooding back as I recall castmates and backstage shenanigans. Foreign concepts written in my own handwriting - or funny quotes from cast and crew - reading lines once as comfortable in my mouth as my own name... all new again. Documented proof of where I've been and the lives I've lived in this lifetime... some of which I remember vividly, some of which I can barely recall. Much like college, I suppose.

It's like opening a Christmas present that got lost in the closet during Spring cleaning years ago or thumbing through a long-forgotten photo album or finding baby clothes that your preteen once wore.

I received one contract and script in the mail today and will pick up another this evening. So... 'Lysistrata' was retired to the archives and 'Next to Normal' took its place. Likewise, I relocated 'Arms and the Man' in favor of 'Gypsy'.

These two binders will travel with me just about everywhere for the next four months. I will hold them, beat them, love them, curse them, cry, laugh, write, doodle and record revelations in them.

The pages within these binders will challenge and motivate me to be a better artist than I was when I performed their predecessors.

It feels like a graduation of sorts... another milestone in the circle of life. And though I'm excited and can't wait to start working on my new additions, my heart does a little 'Velveteen Rabbit' twinge as I pack away my old babies.

Out with the old and in with the new.

Tonight, I'm going to go drink some wine with my fellow showgirl. I will "twinkle while I shake it". She will "bump it with a trumpet". ...and all will be well with the world.

Sh*t Andi Writes...

I've noticed a growing trend with blogs and vlogs and youtube rants lately. Rants seem to be all the rage nowadays with "shit people say" or "things I hate".

I'd like to take credit for pioneering this trend with a long-ago blog titled "OPP" (yeah, you know me) about Obnoxious Pet Peeves. I've been tempted to resurrect this blog because it was a great form of therapy. (Plus I thought it was really funny.)

I eventually gave up on the blog because I was influenced by those around me that thought it only added to the 'negative energy of the universe'. You know... the concept of getting off your ass and changing what you don't like rather than just bitching about it. (Insert Gandhi quote here.)

However, through years of experience (and memorization of the serenity prayer) I realized that there are some things that I cannot change - no matter how hard I try.

And thus, I bitch.

Not to add to the negative energy of the universe... but rather, to make myself laugh – thus allowing me to maintain my usual quirky, positive, 'shitting rainbows' outlook on life.

I did decide that I'm going to market a new toy for 2012.

Back in my day, we had the ol' “See-N-Say”, but adapting it for the new trends, I'm going to give it a more contemporary appearance and re-market it as “Shit Animals Say” and make a fortune!!

First post of 2012!!

Happy New Year!

Immediate Disclaimer: This is one of those year-in-review posts. If you don't know, don't care, or have already gotten a dozen of these in your Christmas cards and can't stomach another one, feel free to skip this one. :)

I've been horribly remiss with the bloggery lately - and I'll be completely honest when I say that 'keeping up with my blog' did NOT make the resolution list for 2012. In fact, I'm pretty sure I forgot I had a blog when I was making my resolutions.

So, for those friends and family who are not bored to tears with my personal updates, here's your update for the end of 2011.

It sucked and I'm glad it's over.

Professionally, 2011 was a milestone year. I worked steadily with wonderful companies in some amazing roles. I had an amazing two months in Little Rock with my 'Hairspray' cast and crew - and even got to see a few of them a few months later when I went to New York for auditions.
I'm not sure what I expected, since it was my first time auditioning in the city... but it was not at all the nerve-wracking, anxiety-inducing experience I expected it to be. I had a blast! I walked the city streets until my feet were blistered and my calves stiff. I ate amazing food and applauded the incredible talent busking on the subway platforms. I sang, danced, acted, spun circles and threw my hat in the air in Times Square - and then flipped off a cabbie 'cuz he didn't want to take me to JFK in the rain - making my temporary transformation to 'city girl' complete. I loved every minute of it and can't wait to be back there in February for callbacks! I did a wonderful show called 'Next Fall' with an amazing company in Phoenix (Actors Theatre) that not only reminded me how much I love contemporary theatre, but also made me grow and evolve personally and spiritually. I also love the shit out of every director I got to work with this season - which made my job less of a job and more of an extended playdate with a favored mentor. You just can't beat that!

I wrote a ton this year - I'm now doing rewrites for a historical play about the women's suffrage movement, have first drafts written for two one-act plays, and an outline for a full-length black comedy. Whew!

My kids... are no longer my kids. They are mutant teenage housemates that don't pay rent. I'm kidding, really.

My son turned 18 last month - against my direct orders - and is now finishing his last semester of High School. David is a perfect example of an intelligent kid getting lost in the cracks of the public school's special education system. A late diagnosis didn't help, but even when we knew we were facing the challenges of autism, we had hope...
David spent most of his education in contained classes with severely disabled students. Everything from social/behavioral dysfunctions to severe mental retardation. He brought home videos (taken in class with his cell phone) of students bashing each other in the head with skateboards, other students catatonic and drooling in the corner... and asking the question, "Why am I here?" His own occupational therapist told his father and me not to expect him to make it through High School. She said we should 'do our best' to see him through as much as possible and then enlist a program to help him with his GED but that she had little hope for him in an integrated setting.

That nasty little naysayer is the first person on my list to get his graduation announcement. I so desperately want to sign it with a "Screw you. He did it!"
And while I wish I could take credit and say that it was stalwart parenting that made him so capable and determined, it's really David who did all the work. He switched schools and got a fresh start and made it. His grades this semester are the best they've ever been and I couldn't be prouder.
His plan is to enlist after High School - which scares the living daylights out of me. He's still too young and too precious and too untouched by the ugliness of the world... which to me means he's still too young for a gun in his hand and a government agenda in his head.

This is the hard part of letting go. Letting my children make permanent decisions for themselves and their lives is excruciating. I have some input... but very little at this point... while they find their own voices.

My daughter is still the dynamo. She is completely invested in her classes (most of them advanced or IB classes) and her extra-curricular activities. She has become more and more involved in dance and community service this year, since most of her required courses are completed. She could graduate early if she wanted to, but is already younger than most of her peers, so she's opting to graduate with her class so she can turn 18 before entering college. (Tough choice to have to make.) She has already started the process of applying to colleges. Her intellectual love is psychology and she's got a good knack for it.

She and her boyfriend have been dating about 9 months now and are totes 'in loves'.

I'm just waiting for the right time to reveal to said boyfriend that his muse once pooped in her own bellybutton.

Yes, I've made it a personal goal to keep my daughter from getting laid. Ever. Grandkids are not that important to me. Not yet, anyhow.

2011 brought some relationship challenges in my own life. It can't be easy to be partnered with a half-insane, self-absorbed actress who is hitting her 'mid-life crisis' and 'empty nest' phases at the same time. I have to give props to Jason for still being my friend after the last 10 (almost 11) years I've put him through - though I'm pretty sure he's just keeping me close because of all the blackmail material I've got.

I've spent the first few days of 2012 obsessing over my new Christmas present... I'm kinda in love.

Actually the props have to go to my mom... for the Christmas cash that made this purchase possible. Meet "El Hefe"!

Now, I've had blenders before, but I have the tendency to buy the $18.00 cheap, plastic, Target/KMart brand that is on sale. Rarely do those EVER do more than shave half your ice to water, leaving the rest in chunks. And more often than not, the mixture would get stuck, resulting in my treating the damn thing like it was a martini shaker. (Incidentally, a great exercise for those lacking a Shakeweight.) They'd last me through about two weeks of intense use and then poop out or break.

And so the investment was made in a slightly more expensive kitchen appliance that has already made healthy smoothies for days as I try out new recipes on the kids.

We did our 'Mexican food night' with themed tropical smoothies and it was an overall success. So a big THANKS to mom for giving us the ability to turn this:









Into THIS:

It also has another attachment that enabled us to make homemade salsa (props also to Pro's Ranch Market for their dirt cheap and amazing produce).
So yeah... I guess you could say I'm a little obsessed...

But that brings me to 2012.

My first resolution was to start eating better. I love being in the kitchen and I love to experiment with foods... but I easily fall victim to the convenience of fast food (especially during crazy rehearsal hours) and a dirty kitchen.

I also had to acknowledge that my love affair with food has led to some bad habits that need to be broken. I purge and fast several times throughout the year and I blame it on my schedule and my work when really, it's just laziness. (That concept is true and apparent in other aspects of my life than just food!)


I have a little over a month to prepare for another trip to New York before rehearsals begin for Gypsy. It's plenty of time to start new habits.

My 'mantra theme' for 2011 was all about hope. Hope for my kids. Hope for my dad. Hope for castmates. Hope for my stepdad. Hope for improvement... in so many aspects.

My 'mantra theme' for 2012 (so far) seems to be all about change. Change for my kids. Change for my career. Transitions galore!

I will be doing a moderate amount of traveling this year. I'll be out of state for at least two months with the potential of being gone for six. It's both exciting and daunting. I miss my family and my pets when I'm gone... but technology makes it easy for us to stay in touch and see faces on a daily basis.
I'm not sure what this year has in store - which is difficult for a control-freak like myself to admit - but one of the other things I've 'resolved' for this year is that I'm going to be okay with not knowing.

I'm going to be okay with being impulsive and spontaneous - so long as it doesn't get me in trouble with the law.

I'm going to accept the things I have no control over.
I'm going to take better control of the things I need to.

I'm eating better. I'm quitting smoking. I'm staying active (even between shows).

I'm not procrastinating around the house any more and I'm finishing the projects I've started.

I've sold and donated boxes and bins of stuff that has accumulated over the past several years and I'm starting to condense my life into more manageable compartments.

I also have a list of 'secondary' resolutions that are not necessarily priority but things I'd still like to accomplish this year. Among them, I'd like to take more pictures. I got so busy after the Spring that I really didn't do as much in that arena as I'd like... and I'd really like to improve so I can justify investing in a better camera eventually. But that's dependent on my reaching some other goals first.

I'll close my year in review by saying that I learned hard lessons, made decent strides, failed and succeeded, lost some old friends and made some new ones. It was a hard year, but a necessary one to the growth and change I will be challenged with in the year ahead.

And so it was... that 2011 passed with a whimper and a death rattle as my daughter and I read side-by-side and my son came in to snap a picture of 'the nerds' before heading outside to catch the fireworks/neighborhood gunplay.

I have to admit, it's not the worst way to spend New Year's Eve.

True there was no champagne, no rowdy friends, no romantic kiss 'neath glitter and confetti on the dance floor... but I've already had those celebrations in my life. It was nice to be at home with the people I love the most in this world - doing nothing more than enjoying their company and celebrating another milestone.


Okay, bring it on, 2012! I'm ready for ya!

Oh... hold on... lemme make a smoothie for the road first. :)