Annnnd... this is why I suck.

So, Noises Off has ended and so has my first official 'week off' between projects.
And yet, it wasn't really a week off at all.
I have two bellies in progress and had a crapload of photo editing and CD burning to get done. On top of this, I'm trying to track down footage for a demo reel and an audio demo as well as capture footage and edit a music video for a local sketch comedy troupe. Oh, and I need to update my resume, get new headshots and work on some callback prep for next week.
Enter the children and my neglected mother who never hears from me when I'm knee-deep in shows...
And so the weekend culminates in trying to squeeze in 'family time' that has been missed, catch up on the goings-on, help with homework, grab a movie, etc.

Which brings me to my rant.
I suck. I had three invites to go do something with friends this weekend, but since we had the kids this weekend and had plans, I declined all three.
Every single one of them responded with variations of "lame".
I know that it is often meant within the spirit of levity, but I'm really tired of hearing how lame I am or how much I suck for opting to spend time with my family or deciding to go home to my kids rather than out to the bar/club/meeting place. (And I hear it fairly often as I go out socially very seldom.)
Now don't get me wrong, I love the hell outta my friends. But one aspect of the theatre is very diverse social circles. We bond with other artists that are twice or half our age that come from backgrounds vastly different than our own... or in some cases, incredibly similar... but a good majority of my theatre friends do not have children. Or spouses. And while I know plenty of married couples with children, I don't know if they get the same flak I do... or if they (unlike me) choose to go out every chance they get. Which I totally understand.

And I'll explain a little bit as to why.

I was a parent at the ripe old age of 18. I had two children by the time I was 20.
I watched my friends experience the social aspects of college life while I was working a corporate job and raising two infants. I drank for the first time on my 21st birthday and felt horribly irresponsible because I couldn't breastfeed my daughter for the next 24 hours.
My children were very young when I divorced and after another failed relationship, I found myself longing for the "party life" I felt that I had missed out on.
I started to get back into theatre when my children started Elementary School, and I discovered something akin to the life I felt I had missed out on when I rediscovered those social circles.
When Jason and I first started dating, we were out on the town regularly. Durant's, Gallagher's, Amsterdam, AZ88, BSWest, Charlie's, Pookie's, etc. etc. We partied with friends and we partied with friends of friends. And we drank. And drank.
There was more than one night when neither of us had any business driving and more than one morning that we prayed and thanked our lucky stars that we made it home (with no recollection as to how.)
As my kids got older, I realized (a little more seriously) what kind of responsibility I had to them. It's up to me not only to set the example, but to keep them safe from the trauma of getting a phone call that says their mother is in jail for a DUI. Jason and I made a pact to never again be in that situation and when we do go out, one of us is DD and sober at all times.
It's a phase that we talk about openly, but not without a bit of a sheepish blush. We were selfish and immature, really... not because we loved going out and being social, but because we were old enough to know better and we were not being responsible about it.

Another added element is that our kids are now teenagers. They are inundated with alcohol and drugs and sex on a daily basis and I believe it's my responsibility to teach them about moderation and control. In addition, I want to make sure that they become adults who know how to prioritize what is important to them.

Because we don't have the kids with us every day, we try to make the most of the time we have.
The weekends that they are with their dad, I try to catch up on work and chores so that I have more time with the kids without any distractions.

I get irritated and even downright angry when I send regrets and people give me a hard time. In many cases, I've heard "I have to work" and the response will be "Oh, bummer. Catch ya next time." But if I say, "We're doing a family night" I get "Lame!" or "You suck" or "Come out after they go to bed!" Um... they're teenagers. I go to bed before they do nowadays.

Why is it that my reason for missing out is less valid?

It's not that I don't want to go out with my friends. I love them. I have so much fun when I go out with them. We laugh. We stimulate each other. And I DO desire to spend time with each and every one of them more than they know.
I just prefer to get my time with them on weekends that the kids are at dad's or at a sleepover, or otherwise not sitting at home on their Facebooks and XBoxes while mom is out partying.
As much as I loved my 'life-of-the-party' persona, I bade farewell to her about five years ago and opted instead to try my hat at responsible parenting.
What's better is that I began to discover that I like spending time with my kids. They're kinda awesome. As they learn and grow and develop, I have so much fun with them. We laugh. We stimulate each other. And I desire to spend even more time with them. I love them. Not only because they're the fruit of my loins, but because they're phenomenal human beings. And sometimes, I admit, they don't want to spend time with me at all. But it doesn't stop me from going home after a show just to hover and offer backrubs and toe-pops. Lame, I know.

I'll admit that there have also been times in which I've turned down invites to spend time with Jason as well. We live together, work together, sleep together, and eat together, it's true. And sometimes after 9 or 10 years with someone, you forget how to play together unless you make time to separate and do so. We're not as good about it as we have been in the past, but we're trying to be better about making sure that we take time away from the stresses of daily admin and at least find one night a week that is just for us. I find an odd sort of comfort in the normalcy of snuggling with Jay to heckle a bad movie on Lifetime or to catch up on our shows. Some nights when the kids aren't home, we strip down to our underwear and play Rock Band until midnight. Those are some of my favorite nights. Dumb, I know.

I'm far too social to be a total recluse, and I'm smart enough to know that this existence is a phase nor more or less definitive than the one I transitioned out of years ago. There's a very good chance that once the kids are off to college, I'll become a raging alcoholic suffering separation anxiety and be out again every night. (I doubt it, but I acknowledge the possibility.) And once that happens, my friends will probably be pregnant or having babies and we'll be at odds yet again.

In the meantime, I make no apologies for where I find my solace and my sanctuary. Making a living in the arts and working no less than three jobs at one time is a chaotic existence already. I find a peace and comfort with my family that usually keeps me pretty well grounded.
It frustrates the hell out of my friends, but I don't mean it as any offense. It is simply the phase of my life that I'm in right now.
I went out to the movies last night for the first time in months with Jay, the kids and my folks. It was so nice to just be close to them.
And even though I suck... I don't think I'd have it any other way.