Insomnia Strikes Again...

I don't really have insomnia. Though I did start looking up sleep disorders once because I was becoming a chronic daytime napper. It turns out that I simply suffer from a lack of definitive routine.

My lifestyle is such that I may work a conventional 9-5 shift for 6-8 weeks, followed by 8-10 weeks of being completely unreachable between the hours of noon and 11pm, followed by two full weeks off, etc. rinse and repeat.

My family and most of my friends get tired of hearing "I can't. I have rehearsal/a show." And so I very much appreciate still getting invitations to socialize... even though I've become somewhat socially repressed.

This week was a whirlwind of callbacks (one of which resulted in casting success! woot!) as well as work, old friends in town, artistic events, etc. It was another glaring reminder from the universe that while I tend to get overwhelmed and stress-out easily, I'm not happy unless I'm impractically busy.

Which is why I hate being an insomniac. Or a night owl. Or whatever you want to call it. After working all day yesterday, an evening rehearsal, followed by 2 hours at the recording studio and then hanging with friends until about 1am, I managed to get about 4 hours of sleep before getting up at 6am (which should be illegal on Saturdays) for a morning gig at PT. After that, I took a friend to the airport and picked up my son. We watched Avatar (I fell asleep halfway through) and woke up an hour or so later to pick up the movie where I had left off. And now... at 3am, I'm wide awake and there is absolutely NOTHING I can do that is going to make me feel the least bit productive. It's frustrating.

I have two months of short-term peripheral projects going on, but won't start the 'big shows' (and I use the plural 'cuz I'm trying to be optimistic for the season) until August.

Being a native of AZ, you'd think I'd be used to the summers by now, but I'm not. I hate them. I am not ever a fan of the stagnant, heavy, hot summer air or the ridiculous temperatures. I do count my blessings that I don't live some place like Texas with the humidity... but I still hate the summers here.
More than that, I'm just finding that the 'pace' of AZ doesn't agree with me any more. I like to think that people operate on different levels of vibration... there are those constantly moving, high-frequency people and those chill, laid-back cats on either end of the spectrum.
I think the earth produces frequencies and vibrations as well (see OM) and that we're often 'called' or 'led' to those places that fit our temperaments and 'vibrations'... for lack of a better word.
I can see myself being insanely happy in the suburbs of Portland or Seattle... or even Savannah, GA. I'm feeling drawn to be nearer to the ocean (or at least water) in addition to feeling like the artistic community in this state is being overrun by budget cuts, lack of funding, and counter-intuitive legislation. The only thing that has kept me in this state is the fact that my family has all been here for the last few years... and my kids are still in school. I haven't been willing to uproot them and separate them from their dad, nor have I been willing to be away from them for more than two weeks at a time... max. It's also the only reason I haven't pursued auditions outside of the state. Until now.
I'm finally biting the bullet and making myself available for out-of-town gigs, just to see where it will go. I've made appointments for some regional auditions, so we'll see where that takes me and whether or not I can handle adopting it as a lifestyle. Baby steps.

The thought of starting over is incredibly intimidating. I have friends and family in this state that I've known for most of my life. I can't even imagine trying to say goodbye to some of them.

I'm horrible at good-byes, btw. Like really, really bad. I don't do funerals well either. I'm known to slip out of a party and offend many by not excusing myself with some kind of verbal acknowledgment. I don't know why. I get stupid sloppy. I took a friend from HS to the airport and barely slowed down, kicking him out next to curbside check-in with an impersonal 'see ya' and some kind of gangster-wanna-be hand signals. Goodbyes, farewells, whatever you want to call them... I have yet to master the art. I will never have that dramatic scene in the movie where the lovers share a lingering kiss and a soulful farewell. By that time, I'm crying with a foot-long length of snot hanging from my nose. I'll never forget the day Jason flew to Florida. I didn't even bring him to the airport. I drove him to the light rail on my way to a student matinee performance. I sobbed the entire way to the light rail with Jay in the car and sobbed the entire way to the theatre. I hate hate hate hate goodbyes.

(And I hate that it's 3:30 and I'm going to wake everyone if I decide to go do dishes and laundry. But hey, it's off-peak hours for SRP, so shouldn't we be taking advantage!? What I should do is start working on my script... for a show that is over two months away.
Nothing like being prepared, right?!?!)

And so it is... that I know someday I will have to say goodbye to some pretty amazing people as I embark on life's journey. I only hope that by that time, I'm better at communicating myself rather than being so selfish and sappy.

In the meantime, however, I'm going to look forward to social time with friends on Monday, auditions Tuesday, more social time Wednesday, and more auditions later in the week.

It seems trite and cliche, but at this point... I've just kinda put it all in God's hands. He's much better with this decision-making shit than I am anyway.

Alright. I'm off to fold. Laundry, that is.
Woot.