Happy Father's Day!

Father's Day is an awkward holiday for me.

Mostly because I don't have a very close relationship with my own dad.

Mine is a common story, I'm sure... I was always a bit closer to my dad growing up, but as a teenager, my rebellion changed our relationship and it never quite recovered. After my parents divorced, my father remarried and save for a few experiences onstage together, his wife and I have never gotten along. So... a former 'daddy's girl', fallen from grace. I have issues with approval and abandonment, to say the least. Family gatherings are often a source of stress for me.

Our annual birthday lunches have declined to the point where it's now June (mine is in Feb, his is in May) and we still have yet to make good on just a meal together. It's awkward... trying to fit everything into a quick hour before he heads back to the office to see clients or before I run off to pick up the kids... whatever. I have far too much to say and hear and express and reconcile with him to fit it into an hour. So, we make do with superficial conversation and a quick update on the past year before saying our 'goodbyes' and heading back to our lives.

On the very rare occasion, we've had the chance to work together. That's one of the bright and shining spots in my life. Though my dad works as a CPA during the day, he has always been a musician. There have been rare opportunities in which he has played for a show or we've been pulled in on the same corporate gig. It doesn't happen often, but when it does... I feel like all is right with the world. My dad and me... makin' music together once again... even if it's with ridiculous parody lyrics.

I don't understand it, and when I try to, it only makes me sad and remorseful... but I do miss my dad and the relationship that I imagine we'd have if one or both of us would just take our heads out of our asses for five minutes. We're both stubborn and opinionated (gee, wonder where I get it from?) and I imagine that a lot of our own guilt has a lot to do with why we've never fully reconciled. At least, that's how it is from my end.

Regardless, it does put into perspective relationships and how they change over the years.

It also puts into perspective (for me) what it means to be a 'dad'. As 'they' say, anyone can spill his seed and become a father... but it takes a special man to be a dad.

I had several 'dads' growing up. The fathers of my best friends Rebecca and Julie were instrumental in my teenage life. They were there at times when my own father wasn't or couldn't be and I still think of them as 'father figures'. I also used to babysit for a couple with four kids. Every week, they had a mid-week bible study and I'd spend several hours with their kids (who were - and still are - pretty awesome). Larry (the dad) would drive me home and we'd talk about school and boys and life in general. I remember crying in his truck over breaking up with a longtime boyfriend and getting some pretty sound advice on more than just that occasion... whether I wanted it or not. He passed away just a few years ago and I regret that I missed the opportunity as an adult to let him know how much he meant to my life.

And at a time when the roles of men in my life were convoluted and confusing, my best friend Amanda and her dad showed up at my doorstep and physically removed me from a bad situation. When my own father had washed his hands of me, this one stepped in and changed my world with one gesture. Being a part of that family... and living with them for the month and a half it took me to get on my feet... saved my life. And I am not exaggerating. By proxy, he saved the life of my unborn child as well.

And so it is, as I reflect on what 'Father's Day' means... it occurs to me that it's no longer merely a celebration of genetic lineage.

My kids have had one father all their lives... but they have many dads. Some of them are gay, some of them are straight. Some are in their lives constantly and some come and go on rare occasions.

Jason, who has not fathered any children of his own, has been 'step-dad' to my kids for the past nine years. For jumping into the fray mid-race, he has done an outstanding job. (With the exception of a few movie choices or gracious allowances that had him appropriately nagged and brow-beaten for several days [or months] following.)

With no biological connection whatsoever, he has assumed the role of 'parent' with all of its fine print. Sick kids, angry kids, inattentive kids, inconsiderate kids, mouthy kids... (and yes, we're only talking about mine at the moment.)

He has watched entire paychecks go to Christmas presents, braces, camp fees, summer school, school clothes and cell phones. He has gotten into the car bleary-eyed and sleep-deprived to pick up donuts, prescriptions, ace bandages, party decorations and last-minute supplies for school projects due in 14 hours. He has spent countless hours agonizing over how he can be a better person and example for those kids; and has cried countless tears over their experiences with fear, failure and loss.

It may not mean much to the kids right now, but I hope that they will be able to appreciate later in life the many compromises and sacrifices that have been made by this man who has no legal obligation nor biological instinct to do so.

It certainly gives me a new appreciation for what my ex-husband gave up and adopted to become a father at the age of 18 and what he still sacrifices today so that our kids can have the things we couldn't and didn't growing up. It also increases my understanding of my own dad and his situation at the age of 20 and again at 36.

The world is changing. At least in the Western world, families are no longer defined by biological connection. The unfortunate rate of divorce or estrangement combined with tragedy means that often we make our own family units. Not to mention those fathers who never knew they were fathers (a concept foreign to me as a female, but nevertheless significant and valid)... what determines when or how a man can consider himself a 'dad'? And in these cases, is it the man who fertilized the seed or the man who raised the child that deserves the title? I can debate that one for hours! But I digress...

I consider myself blessed that I have so many wonderful father figures that have influenced my life in so many positive ways. Even in adulthood, I've gained a step-father that is an amazing human being and who makes my mother happier than I can ever remember her being. Furthermore, he seems to appreciate her almost as much as she deserves to be appreciated... and I'll love him forever for that fact alone. He stepped into a family of grown children, but even now, his influence has changed our lives (and our landscapes) for the better.

I find it even more of a blessing that my children have so many wonderful father figures in their lives. I'm confident that should anything happen to me or their dad, my children will be loved and cared for. Fathers, grandfathers, uncles, cousins, and a select troupe of gypsy actors included... our 'family unit' has become pretty big. And eclectic and dysfunctional as it is, I don't know that I would change one thing.

And so... if you are male and have made a positive influence in the life of a child, then Happy Father's Day to you too. After all, it takes a village...





Internal Soundtrack of the Day:
Butterfly Kisses - Bob Carlisle
Pooh Corner - Kenny Loggins
The Living Years - Mike & The Mechanics
Cat's in the Cradle - Harry Chapin