The 'Blah'g...

Okay, so I've admittedly been in a little bit of a funk most of the week.
I could probably take the route of the cop-out and say that I've just been hormonal, but I know that's not the crux of it.

Every once in a while, I get into this 'funk'. It's cyclical... usually about every 6 months... but it hits me hardest during the summer when everything I do is in it's 'off season' and I find myself with much more time to think.

I've been struggling lately with my sense of importance. Everything from my self-importance and how conceited I can be when dealing with others to my desperate desire to 'matter' in this world. At 35, and a struggling (but still maintaining) actress... I guess I expected more from myself by this point. In my youth, I imagined myself at 35... a successful veterinarian or singing missionary, perhaps... but solid and steady in who I was and what purpose I served.

And while my journey may have taken some unexpected twists and turns, I can still identify common themes and characteristics that I exhibited in my youth. Not all of them positive.

I sometimes have a hard time wrapping my brain around the vastness of the universe and thus the uber-vastness of God and his 'omnipotence' while maintaining a grounded sense of self. It is very easy for me to get lost in my own insignificance and shrug while uttering, "what's the f*ckin' point?".
And so it is with a sense of confidence from experience past and humility from mistakes identified that I set out to determine what the hell I'm supposed to be doing with my life. There is not a lot of security in the theatre life. At least not financially. I live gig to gig, project to project, paycheck to paycheck most months out of the year. Everything is carefully and meticulously budgeted down to the nearest rounded two cents. (As an inside joke, because everything around here is about 'my two cents'... and because I don't like math with odd numbers. True story.)

Looking back on my 35 years, I see a lot of chaos. One could argue that from the moment of my premature conception, chaos ensued.

I've justified this as being a passionate whirling-dervish of a personality that can often rub people the wrong way. I don't think before I speak. I'm pretty frank about my opinions (which often change) and I'm often guilty of the very things I'm most vocally opposed to in others. But, hey... I'm passionate, care-free and I live an inspired life, so there's always a trade-off, right?

I'm starting not to believe as much.
Some 'old friends' have recently come back into my life and have served as a reminder... not only a reminder of the chaos that I've created in the lives of these friends, but also the stability of the relationships that we built. I didn't give any of my friends nearly enough credit for what they put up with. I probably still don't.

And in all of this, I've begun to realize how important it is to me to be a positive influence and a solace to these people... as they've been to me. It's not always necessary to be 'on' and ready to entertain or amuse. Sometimes it really is simply about sharing experiences and learning from one another.

Passion and inspiration aside, there's something to be said about peace. Living in a creative symbiosis... nurturing an environment rather than destroying and rebuilding a new one every cycle.

I talk often about theatre friendships and how they wax and wane depending on who you're working with and on what project. Actors bond quickly and deeply... whether we love or hate one another. The process we go through requires it. And because we are so connected to that side of the human condition, it can quite literally hurt... when we go through separation anxiety at the end of a show. I think I've become very accustomed to those relationships. So much so, that my 'constant' friends get lost in the mix. I fall off the face of the earth during tech week and heavy performance schedules.

And when I finally 'do' decide what I want to be when I grow up, what state will my relationships be in? Where will my sense of importance and purpose go when there are no playbills to list my accomplishments?

Will I only be remembered for the chaos?

So yeah... don't know if this blog post will even make sense to most. (I'm a stream-of-consciousness kind of writer anyhow.) But these are the latest epiphanies and questions on my mind as I determine how best to bring peace to the lives of those I come in contact with. Some wrongs need to be righted... some forgiveness shed... and some relationships repaired.

And as I end, I have to send a shout out to Kathi Osborne for schooling me once again... though this time NOT on how best to channel your brash, boozy, inner broad... but rather on the importance of having those people you can call and cry to. Those relationships that stand the test of time and distance (and paternity tests. Kidding.) and still remain intact because of grace and forgiveness.

I hope I can matter as much to some as so many have to me.