A New Attitude - FTW

'FTW' is cyber-slang that has two meanings. I use it often with my geek-speak gaming intention to mean 'For The Win'. Just to clarify.

I hate being an actress between projects. It is said that an actor is really a professional job-seeker. We are never not marketing ourselves for the next paycheck. Right now, I'm sitting in the middle of my second longest 'dormant' period in the last 12 years. And it sucks.

I've had my corporate gigs and special events, outreach projects and workshops... and my oh-so-flourishing career writing copy (sarcasm)... to pay the bills (barely), but it's not the same as having a well-worn script within five feet of me at all times for six weeks straight. As an actress, those are the projects that give me a sense of purpose and drive. When that script disappears, my mood plummets. I no longer have tricky dance combos to practice in the kitchen or lines to run in the shower. The house gets a little quieter and there are no funny anecdotes from rehearsal to share with my partner.

Jay and I do our best to keep one another motivated and entertained during the 'in-between' times, but my constant demands for him to 'up the ante' are taking its toll. He's already perfected his juggling skills and has added many of my celebrity requests to his impersonation repertoire. I don't know how much more the poor man can take... he's doing his Tim Gunn as we fold laundry nowadays just to keep me smiling.

So, I've diagnosed myself as having PPD (or Post-Production Depression) as is common with many actors. The problem is common and can be exacerbated by an exceptionally great experience. It's easy to say 'goodbye' to a show that was a ton of work with little reward (either personally or monetarily) but it's not so easy to bid our farewells to the dream jobs. The last show I did was a dream job. Even the corporate and special events I do with PT are dream jobs, so I'm certainly not complaining.

I've lost some of my sass and verve lately. I'm lacking some of my usual confidence and it has taken its toll on me both professionally and emotionally. I still see the joy and beauty in life and in each day, but I've lost some of my faith in people and relationships (more of the friendship variety than romantic) and have become a bit cynical in the past couple of years. I either need an electric rod to jolt my brain or a project I can get enthused about.

I just hate feeling like I'm busy, but not really 'doing' anything. I'm not happy unless I'm using my creative outlets. I know there's supposed to be downtime in which we absorb and learn and observe, but I learn so much better by doing and by observing those in action. There's really only so much education one can get from books and youtube... which is what my schedule has me confined to.

So, as if the PPD weren't bad enough, I'm also suffering old-lady syndrome. I just turned 35 last month. Yes. Thirty. Five. Honestly, it's not that I think thirty-five is ghastly old because it isn't. It's just that I never thought I'd live this long. Marilyn Monroe died at 36. I remember my mother's 36th birthday like it was yesterday. I remember how young she was. As a young adolescent, I always thought my irresponsibility or my lack of common sense would have me in some kind of fatal situation by the time I was 30. So, at this rate, I suppose I should be incredibly thankful that I have my health, my kids, and the ability to pay my rent every month... since that's infinitely more than I thought I'd be capable of.
However, at this age, society tells me I should have a 401k and life insurance and my kids' college funds taken care of. So, I'm still way behind the curve on that one.

I need to get motivated. I need to get my butt in gear. And I need to recheck my attitude. FTW.