Subpoenas and Sandra Lee

I have extended cable for two reasons. #1 I love my HBO and Sundance channels. #2 I'm absolutely addicted to Food Network and The Travel Channel. Yeah, yeah, yeah... I'm just a barrel of wild and crazy, right?

So for those that don't know Sandra Lee, she hosts her own show on Food Network called "Semi-Homemade" which has her pairing mostly packaged, processed, prepared ingredients with 1/4-1/3 fresh ingredients.

Now, I'm a mom who has made plenty of packaged meals for my kids. They (and I) grew up with Macaroni & Cheese, Ramen, Hamburger Helper, etc. I'm not a foodie snob, but as I've grown older, I've grown to appreciate good meals made with fresh ingredients prepared at home. I've always loved baking and am a whiz with pastries, but cooking was a latent talent and it took my relationship with Jason (who is an amazing chef, if a little bit anal-retentive about following recipes to the letter) to enable more culinary exploration.

Together, we laughed at quirky Rachel Ray and fell in love with her 30-minute meals which were perfect for our 4-person family and hectic lifestyle. We became enamored with Anthony Bourdain for both his culinary expertise and his evocative writing. Paula Dean reassured me that my love affair with butter was perfectly acceptable and the Barefoot Contessa (Ina Garten) brought me on lovely journeys to the local shops and available resources in East Hampton while also offering decorating tips and long forgotten etiquette. All individuals with a vast knowledge and understanding of my most long-lived friend and confidant. Food.

And then there's Sandra Lee.

Sandra Lee is a blonde, Malibu-Barbie, everymom. She is the All-American woman-next-door and her show is so saccharine-sweet that I fear watching it could give me cancer and diabetes at the same time.
She coined the word 'tablescapes' which is how she defines her gauche table decorations (often themed) which I hate only slightly less than the word 'tablescapes' which makes me want to vagina-punch her. And while she does have one or two cute little craft ideas, they are the kinds of things I would do with my kids for fun, but not for a formal engagement party or cocktail event. Seriously. I was making origami napkins in the 4th grade; so no one's impressed, lady.

Her Bio claims that she attended Le Cordon Bleu, but on further investigation, she was enrolled in a two-week course that she didn't even complete. She probably got lady-cramps and had to quit.

And most importantly, the blasphemy... the perversion of FOOD... is inexcusable.

Assuming that we have the time, resources, and motivation to prepare a meal with fresh ingredients... why would you sully it by adding the equivalent of Friskies^® Tuna and Egg in Sauce? You wouldn't.

In addition, the woman tries to make things that she knows NOTHING about. Today, I had FN on in the background and she was attempting to make tamales. Now, I'm a gringa... but having previously married into a Hispanic family, I did pick up a few tips on how to make things like tamales, empanadas, tortillas, etc.
First, she admitted that she couldn't find corn husks at any of her local supermarkets. Well, then she doesn't live ANYWHERE near the southwest. I'm sure her suburb probably doesn't even have a grocery with an 'ethnic foods' aisle. It was probably omitted in favor of the new microbiotic aisle and the extension of the 'foods that are easier to puke back up' section.

So, Sandra Lee is using parchment paper in lieu of corn husks for her tamales (pronounced Tah-mawl-eez) and slops on her homemade masa in a huge clump in the center without spreading it out to a reasonable thickness or evenness. Then she slops in what looks like Rosarita™ beans, a can of preserved ready-diced tomatoes and the fresh onion and garlic she heated up on her nifty skillet. Really? You couldn't grab a fresh tomato and dice it up? Maybe teach us how simple it really is to whip up our own refried beans? No?

That's just... weird.

So, the finished tamales were a joke. I don't know how many takes they went through, but they obviously couldn't get a good shot of the first fork-cut. You couldn't see anything but the masa. It may as well have been a close-up of a steaming yellow cake.

Which is pretty much what I think of Sandra Lee. A pile of steaming yellow cake.

To top it off, while she was on, we had the luck of being visited by the process server bearing subpoenas. Sandra Lee is just bad luck.

To explain the process server, Jay and I witnessed an accident (one that we narrowly avoided) and were the ones who called it in to 9-1-1. We filled out reports on the scene, figuring we had done our civic duty. (The driver at fault was obviously impaired somehow. I credit my dad's school of defensive driving for identifying that one early.) Well, it turns out that this fellah is being taken to court and we've been subpoenaed to appear as witnesses for the state. Joy. They have our written statements. Why can't they just enter that as our legal testimony? It's signed and everything! Plus... this was as an accident that happened almost two years ago. I'm sure that my written statement offers a much fresher and more accurate account of what happened anyway.

We knew we were being called as witnesses because the prosecutor had been in contact with us on the phone, but it's still kinda strange to have a legal obligation to appear in court. There's no 'good' feeling to accompany it. Plus, we have to be there at 7:30 in the morning. 7:30!!?? I no longer wonder why judges wear robes. I would too, if I had to be at work at that ungodly hour. And as if that weren't enough, in bold letters reads:

IF YOU FAIL TO APPEAR AS ORDERED, A WARRANT WILL BE ISSUED FOR YOUR ARREST.

Well, geez! No need to shout.
And certainly no need to threaten me with arrest. I said I'd be there. I understand I'm important to the state's case as the only witness not directly involved in the collision. Don't get your panties in such a twist.

Gosh!

So, I chalked it all up as one more reason to hate Sandra Lee and watched 'Moon' instead. It was significantly better than Malibu Barbie hour, but still left me unsatisfied.

Sigh.

And tomorrow... I get to perform for our illustrious Governor.
*big smile*
*jazz hands*

and.... scene.