Stuff my kids say...

There is a website and a book titled "Shit my dad says". It is one of my guilty pleasures, as I adore the blunt, acerbic, no-nonsense approach of the older generations as they impart their tidbits of wisdom.

I've also been highly entertained on more than one occasion by the stuff my kids say.

It started when I was completing my son's baby book. There were entries for his first word, his first step, etc... and I was ironically entering his first complete sentence:

"Mom, Imaddatyou!"

My daughter, forever antagonized by her older brother and the more vocal of the two, is often the more quoted of the two. I've compiled some of my favorite quotes and conversations that span a wide age range, but beginning when my daughter was about 2 or 3.


X: (crying) D hurt me!
Me: He did? Where?
X: (crying harder) Here. (pointing to her head)
Me: He hurt your head?
X: No. He hurt my feewlings.
Me: Oh. He hurt your feewlings?
X: (now sobbing) Yes. For NO reason!



X: (crying) D kicked me!
Me: Where?
X: On my head!
Me: D, did you kick her?
D: No! I was just walking along and her head hit my foot.



While driving across
town, X (then five) eyed my 99-cent pack of peanuts which I had opened to munch during the trip. (I had torn the corner and just tipped it into my mouth, not hygienic, I know. Whatev.)
X: Can I have some peanuts?
Me: Sure.
X: Did you put your mouth on this?
Me: Yes.
X: (inspecting the peanuts) I guess it's okay. I'm not afraid of your germs. It's all about our DNA.
(My internal monologue: "DNA? WTF? You're five!")



While dining at a new family-style buffet, X (a 7 yr. old chicken-lover) turns to me and says, "Hey mom... all the cooks here are black. So you know the fried chicken is good!"



X: Mom, did you ever think of putting D up for adoption?
Me: No, not really.
X: Maybe you should.



X: All the people that work at this Panda Express are Mexican. I'm not being racist. I'm just sayin'.



While staying with her dad's mom:
X: Hey mom, I found an upside to living with nana... my whites have never been whiter!



One of my favorite stories takes place when we were leaving a family day at Peter Piper Pizza to head home. The kids were 5 and 6 and Jay and I had just started dating. They had turned in their tickets for 'prizes'... D had chosen a small battery-operated fan on a neon string that he wore around his neck. X had chosen scented body glitter.
We had no sooner turned onto the freeway when X began to cry. D had spilled her drink. Great.
Always prepared, I handed a stack of napkins over to Jay who twisted into the backseat to assist D in cleaning up the Sprite that had pooled into X's seat. They cleaned it up as best they could and resumed, while X continued to cry.
Me: What's wrong?
X: (sobbing) Why do I (gasp) always have to (wail, inhale) sit in the wet spot?!
(As much as we tried, Jay and I couldn't stifle our giggles.)
D tried to help and began to direct his newly-acquired fan towards the offending residual when X began to cry anew.
Me: Now what's wrong?
X: I wanted a fan!
Me: But you didn't choose the fan. You chose the body glitter.
X: (sobbing) But... But I didn't know it could DRY things!!



Ah, my wondrous children.
Always a source of entertainment and amusement.
And blog content. :)

They are awesome.