ArrrrggggghhhhhH!

WE HAVE A CHUBBY GIRL DOWN!

-REPEAT-

THE CHUBBY GIRL HAS FALLEN DOWN!!!

I have gained 15 pounds since January.
FIFTEEN.
Last night I was watching one of those infomercials where they pull out the 5-pound clot of putrid yellow vaseline fat...
yeah...
THREE of those.



I've always struggled with my weight. I inherited my mom's petite frame and my father's generous window dressing. I was a lanky, skinny tomboy until I hit puberty. Through adolescence, my weight fluctuated... I was thin when I was active and thick when I wasn't.

After a few years of doing stage shows back-to-back, I began to gradually drop the extra weight I had been carrying since the birth of my kids... and last year made it to my goal of 135lbs. (The weight I was when I got pregnant with my first born.)

Short-lived as it was.

Unless I'm in a show, I don't get a whole lot of exercise. I loathe the gym, and when I get busy with work and the kids, I convince myself that I don't have the time and energy for my morning or evening walk/jog. But this isn't the only contributing factor.

I, like so many I know, eat my feelings. I eat when I'm bored, stressed or depressed. More than once, I've 'come to' after consuming a half-gallon of ice cream and three hours of continuous programing on the Lifetime Movie Network (which I lovingly refer to as Lifetime: TV for Victims).

I guess it's fair to say that I've experienced a bit of boredom (my corporate shows and VO work are typically a one-shot deal as opposed to a four-week rehearsal process and a 2-4 week run) as well as stress (because I still don't have a conventional 'day job' and family finances are always on perilous ground - in addition to the stress of raising two teenagers) as well as depression (I've 'lost' several friends in the past few years to death, relocation, or unnecessary drama - and though many of them are merely friends removed, they aren't as readily accessible to my 'inner circle' and I miss them dearly.)

I know... whine, whine, whine...

After some self-analysis, I also think that some of my weight gain was subconscious.
I'm a people-pleaser. I want people to like me... but I often cross the line of 'trying too hard' and having it backfire completely.
And while most of my friends were supportive of my weight loss... some of them (and even some acquaintances and strangers) expressed concern for my health and well-being. Since I was happy with my weight, I didn't understand the big 'to do'; but I think subconsciously I may have opted to pack some pounds back on.

And now I look in the mirror and groan.

My clothes don't fit and I'm a huge fan of elastic and drawstring waist bands right now.

And I'm miserable.

So... while I hate the idea of disappointing or offending my critics and supporters alike, I think I'm going to have to get my ass back in gear and go back to being a skinny bitch.

I'll never be a size 0 or even a size 2... and I wouldn't want to be. I'm a woman. I have boobs and hips. I would look even more ridiculous than I do as a size 10. But I'm happiest when I'm a 7/8. My clothes hang right and I don't have to unbutton my pants after every meal.

I'm going back to a stricter diet, which is great... because it has forced Jason and I to plan our menus and cook more at home - thus saving us a bit of money on our food budget and relieving a bit of the financial stress... and so the circle of life that spiraled me into chubbyhood can now build upon itself to lift me out of the dark and wondrous world of Ben & Jerry and back into the land of sleeveless tops and belted dresses.

And on a totally different side-note, Lisa... if you are reading this, we really need to have you over. Seriously. We can talk books. (sarcasm) But for real... come over. Soon. I promise we won't exercise.