A letter to my teenage daughter

First Published: October, 2011

Hey Daughter,

I wanted to share some things with you that I didn't get to last night. It was late when we got off the phone. You were still upset. But I've been thinking about you nonstop since we hung up, and decided there were things too important not to say. And because I want us both to remember them, I'm writing them down.

*It is more important to be smart than pretty. Pretty ages. It fades. It gets corrupted by flattery and skewed by vanity. Beauty, however, goes hand in hand with wisdom. And that comes from within. And don't ever confuse beauty with perfection. Beauty is symmetry and balance, but we know what balance is. It is light and dark, strength and weakness, humility and daring. You have all of these qualities, C. You are beautiful. Great power requires great responsibility. And beauty requires wisdom. The best decisions are not always made quickly and require a balance of head and heart, theorems and art, science and miracles.

*You are complete and whole as a person. Don't ever be fooled into thinking that you need someone in your life to 'complete you'. There will be people in your life who complement and encourage you, but your value will never be dependent on your ability to maintain a romantic relationship. Stay close to the people who inspire you. You are magical and amazing and don't need to waste your time with the negative people in this world. You will love people in your lifetime who are toxic. It will hurt. But you will learn how special some people are, and it will increase your capacity to love those people all the more.

*Gone are the days of making decisions for you. You will never again have to suffer the humiliation of ruffled panties or facial indentations from frilly headbands I've chosen for you to wear. You will no longer be forced to sit through a church service or theatrical event that bores you to tears. As an adult, you will have the choice to participate or walk away. That decision is yours. Don't make it to impress me, or please your dad, or in the hopes of pleasing or impressing someone else in your life. Make it for you. This is your life. In the end, you have to be the one to live with your choices. Choose happiness. Choose joy. Choose freedom. Choose your bliss.

*There is ugliness in this world. You've been exposed to a portion of it in your life. I am guilty of failing to protect you when you were younger. That you've seen and heard violence and anger and disrespect between people who are supposed to love and protect you (and each other) is one of my biggest regrets as a parent. I hope that your life is such that you never encounter extreme ugliness or violence personally; but statistically speaking, it will directly affect you. Please know that I will always be here for you. I may not always know the right answer immediately, but I can always hold you until we figure out what to do together. Violence is a choice. Peace is a choice. Choose Peace. Choose Love.

*Choose your relationships wisely. They will set (or lower) the standards for future relationships and affect you in ways you are currently unaware of. Hormones are a sonofabitch and believe me, I understand the 'warm and tinglies'... or you wouldn't be here. But sex never makes a relationship easier. It only adds a layer of potential complications and issues. It requires impeccable communication and compatibility over the long-term. When it's right, though, it's amazing. Protect your body and your heart, but own your sexual identity. (Just don't be a slut about it.)

I'll end this for now. I'm sure there will be more at a later time. But these are just some of the things that have come up in the last few days with our talks. I figured now was as good a time as any to let you know. I love you.

~Mom