I shouldn't even be here today...

I just spent an amazing weekend in San Diego.

It was closing weekend of Measure for Measure with Poor Players and it was also the weekend of my BFs birthday. So, what better way to celebrate than to plan a roadtrip and take a weekend off and get outta town, right?

We left very early Friday morning and drove out in beautiful weather, making it to California mid-morning and settling into San Diego by noon. Glorious.

We puttered around the hotel, had drinks at the bar, laughed on the patio... and left for the show.

Which was no less than stellar. Wonderful performances, a beautiful concept... dark, humorous... a delicious evening.

Our Saturday was no less amazing as we set out to adventure and found some amazing local cuisine, got a peek into the job and real estate market, stuffed ourselves with a decadent supper of wine and cheeses, played poker with friends and made our plans to return home... rested and rejuvenated.

Then our radiator exploded and we overheated an hour west of Phoenix.

Thankfully, my mother put off her canning project and drove all the way out to pick us up while the car was towed to the nearest shop in Buckeye. Oy.
Today, I got the news that there is no compression in the motor and that I need new heads and rings. Double Oy.
I have no clue what it's going to cost me. I couldn't bear to make the phone calls today for estimates. I put it off to tomorrow.

In the meantime, I'll brace myself for the worst and figure out if it's more appropriate to sell it to salvage and see if I can buy a used clunker to get me around for the next few months. Which kills me. Even though it's not the most practical family car (it's a Nissan 240sx), it has served us well and been through some fun adventures. I've got an emotional attachment to it and would hate to say goodbye. We shall see...

I hate cars. I'm pretty sure I hate them because I do not understand them. Which is bigoted or ignorant or just stubborn of me. sigh. I guess I just wish it didn't cost so much to simply 'exist'. We're born into debt. It's no joke.

Anyone know how to work on motors? For cheap?

Because I lack discipline

I told myself that I was going to blog every day.
Made it a goal. A personal challenge.
Fail.

Some time ago, I was involved with a group of artists that met every week as we went through The Artist's Way by Julie Cameron. One of her exercises is called 'morning pages'. You start every day by writing. Doesn't matter if you paint, dance, act, sing, write, etc... everyone starts with morning pages. It is part purgative, part stimulant (mentally and artistically speaking) and it is for me the hardest part of the entire 12 week process.
Why?
Because I lack discipline.

Not everywhere, mind you. For instance, I've never missed a performance. I've been called to fill in for actors who are sick or injured, but I've never been too sick or injured to perform. I don't typically have conflicts during the rehearsal period... though I have been known to juggle schedules when doing two or more projects at a time. I guess that speaks for dedication, tenacity, and maybe work ethic... but doesn't really say much for discipline.

I've always dieted poorly, which is why I spent a good deal of my 20's as a size 20 at 209lbs. My metabolism finally evened out (as did my work regime) in my 30's and routine helped me to lose weight and plateau at 135. (Though I pack on about 10 pounds between shows and lose about 5 during every tech week... but I digress.)

My daily 'routine' is consistently disorganized and depends mostly upon what projects I have, what work there is, what the kids are doing, etc.

I'm constantly unprepared for and rarely attend general auditions. I would rather perform for an auditorium full of celebrities and bitches who hate me than depend on 32 bars of an up-tempo and a ballad to make a stellar impression. I get nervous. I shake. I sweat. I talk too much. I giggle inappropriately. Most of this would be eliminated if I just had the discipline to prep myself properly. I shudder to think what I would accomplish if I had the discipline to put into practice the things I merely think or talk about.

I mean, really... I can't even blog on a consistent basis.
Why?
No real reason...
I just lack discipline.

Back to School!!

Most of my friends have already sent their children off; freshly pressed in their new school clothes, lunchboxes packed with deliberation and love...
Mine will start High School on Monday.
High School.
I don't know about the kids, but I am petrified.
I am vicariously smack in the crux of adolescence, folks. It's just as scary and awkward as it was when I was going through puberty.
I forgot how absolutely crucial it is to have the right clothes... the right haircut... the right bag... the right shoes... (Great training if your best friends in adulthood are raging queens, however.)
It's mind-boggling. I don't know how I got here.
I'm barely even responsible enough to pay my bills on time. I can barely work my own cell phone. And I have the task of readying these children... MY children... for the torturous transition into adulthood. And the roller-coaster that is High School.
It almost makes me cry with the same intensity I did on their first day of elementary school.
I'm excited, though. Excited to share the discovery, the creative thought, the challenges... and even the disappointments of the next few years.
Their personalities are beginning to take shape beyond what I can mold and influence and it's breathtaking to watch the evolution and the metamorphosis of these amazing souls.

I looked across the courtyard at orientation where a sea of anxious faces greeted one another and I couldn't help but give in to faith and hope...
...for the quality of their future.
(And the quality of my own future as I shell out a small fortune for everything from lunch money to elective fees to sports uniforms.)
*Not to mention the pushy lady at Office Max who tried to sell me the $200.00 graphing calculator for my Freshman, only to conclude her diatribe (after I declined to invest) with "Yeah, you'll probably want to check with her teachers since this calculator is banned in most high schools."
The same calculator you just spent the last 10 minutes trying to sell me?? WTF?? Thanks for wasting my time. Whatever.


I also can't help but get excited that I will no longer have to kick the kids off the computer in order to get work done during the day... and there is the added benefit of having the TV and the PS3 readily available...


Maybe I'll enjoy this back-to-school thing after all. :)