DVR killed the Idol...

Being a theatre geek, my schedule is not like most. I don't do evening family dinners around the dining room table every night. I remember so clearly watching 'The Cosby Show' with my family every Thursday night growing up... but my own family unit doesn't have those traditions. I'm typically running to rehearsal prior to dinnertime (sometimes just after lunch) and while the rest of the world enjoys their weekend, I'm experiencing my busiest days of the week (Saturday and Sunday). Monday is my weekend... my day off... my holy day... I yearn for Sunday night the same way most yearn for Friday... and in my world, having a 'bad case of the Mondays' would not be entirely negative.

You can imagine how much my world changed with the invent of the DVR. Shortly after, you could actually record something at home by pushing a few buttons on your phone (thousands of miles away!)... and then came Netflix and Hulu... pretty much ensuring that I'd never miss another show for the rest of my life.

In scaling back on my expenses, I looked at how much I was paying for cable (and how unnecessary it is with services like Netflix and Hulu) and made a terrifying discovery.
I've been paying $100.00 a month for two shows.

Seriously.

First: 'Game of Thrones' on HBO. It's a miniseries based on a book series by George R R Martin that I read while working for telerelay services for the deaf and hard-of-hearing. I'm not big on fantasy/sci-fi novels, but these were on the community bookshelf at work and I soon found myself addicted and purchasing the rest of the series. I loved HBO's 'Rome' and couldn't wait for 'Game of Thrones'. There's confession #1. My inner geek is showing.

Second: American Idol. I'm actually a little ashamed to admit this one because I think of American Idol as a big corporate sponsor monster, corrupted by greed. I think they exploit their artists, rape them, reshape them for commercial gain, exploit them some more, overwork and underpay them, contract them within inches of their life and snuff out any genuine passion and artistry that once existed before they toss them back out at contract end to make room for the next cookie-cutter 'Idol'. So, I don't often admit to watching Idol (except to a few select friends who occasionally call to have 'what did you think' discussions post-show.)

I don't really give a hoot about any of the judges or their critique. It's art, therefore it's all subjective. (To me, anyhow.) So, I typically fast-forward through commercials as well as their trite, boring commentary.

And here's the big confession: I'm a sap. Seriously. I watch AI alone most of the time and especially towards the beginning - when we learn about back stories and families and who these kids are as artists - I'm moved to tears at least a half-dozen times per episode/audition/sing-off. It's ridiculous, really... but I'm a sucker for good voices and passionate artists. Some of my favorite films are about music - The Red Violin, The Piano, Once... and even the ridiculously cheesy ones - Mr. Holland's Opus, August Rush... will have me bawling like a baby. Full-on ugly cry, right there on my couch. No shame.

I'm the same way with American Idol. I don't know why. Sometimes it's the song that moves me. Sometimes it's the artist. But for whatever reason, I'm a cry-fest... and I love it. I love being moved. I have the same response to the show 'So You Think You Can Dance'. Moved by the harmony of music and movement... I laugh, I cry, I watch as religiously as my schedule and DVR allow.

Rehearsal schedules being what they are, and considering the amount of time I'll spend 'on the road' this year, I don't anticipate being able to keep up on my shows as I'd like to... and in the interest of saving a few ducats before relocating, I'm cutting off my cable completely this week.

*cue separation anxiety*

I keep telling myself that between the internet, Hulu, Netflix and whatever else is out there that I don't know about yet; I'll be able to keep up on my guilty pleasures.

Besides, there are much higher priorities right now than a silly HBO series and a fixed/commercialized singing competition.
Right?
Right.

Birthday Bloggery

Another year gone...

Age (being relative) seems to hit me quicker and with more 'oomph' each year - My philosophy being that as a child, waiting a year seems a lifetime. Or perhaps one quarter of your lifetime (which it very well could be)... whilst a year to an adult may seem paltry in respect to the change and evolution seen in one thirtieth of a lifetime lived... but I digress.

I always end up contemplating (and naturally assume others do as well) around my birthday, taking inventory of what I've achieved or accomplished vs. what kind of negative debt I've thrown out into the universe.

As a result, I usually get depressed on my birthdays. I compare myself to my family a lot - and I don't live as well as they do, nor am I as responsible. I don't have the 401k or the health insurance that my peers do. I've never owned a car that cost more than $3000.00. I can't imagine ever having a garden like my mother's, or a studio like my dad's... or the things for my kids that my nieces and nephews will have in abundance...
I could go on.
But this year is so different.

My son is graduating this year. I want to swing from vines and shout from rooftops and sing at the top of my lungs. I want to swing him around and lift him high... but I can't, 'cuz the kid is over 6-feet tall and lifts ME up instead. He is my warrior. My fighter. My silent champion. My son. I am so honored to have a fraction of my soul living in this boy... this man-child on the verge of adulthood. I am so proud, so in love... and every bit in awe of him as I was when I first held him in my arms. I am blessed.

My daughter is growing into the most amazing woman I know. She is driven, passionate, stubborn, opinionated, sensitive, loyal... and a beautiful artist. She is smart. Much smarter than I was at her age. And focused. My joy in watching her spread her wings is immeasurable. She is my favorite critic and my best friend. She is wise. She is brilliant. She dances and I weep with pride. She leaps and my heart soars. I am grateful for her strength and her wit. We've relied on both as sister soldiers. I am so blessed.

My friends are amazing. They listen to my stupid stories that have no point. They support and encourage me. They remind me that I'm not supposed to be perfect or infallible. They love me all the more because I'm not. They make me smile on the hardest days and make me work to keep up. They hold me accountable. They remind me that I'm part of something bigger than myself. They love me for who I am, accept me for who I am not, and I would walk through flaming piles of shit for each and every one of them. No questions asked. I've been blessed with relationships that withstood the tests of time and distance (and both.) My friends have been there for me through thick and thin - a select few of them being recent additions to my 'inner circle', but the majority being those I've known since middle and High School. Long friendships based on decades of experiences... I am truly blessed.

My family is incredible. We're not as close as I sometimes wish we were, but it's difficult with our respective schedules and commitments and (in some cases) locations. But even though we aren't in contact as often or as close as we once were, I would drop everything in a heartbeat if one of my brothers needed something. Likewise for their beautiful and amazing wives - each and every one of them brilliant and beautiful. As if my brothers (who were my best friends and worst enemies growing up) weren't enough to fill up my wineglass-sized heart, they've procreated with their gorgeous female mates to produce the most adorable nieces and nephews anyone has ever imagined! Watching them grow up is like watching the replay of my own children (but without the insomnia and the constant poop - everywhere!) They are all incredible little people - fractured souls of my brothers in these pint-sized vehicles... it's so surreal to take a step back and just watch.

And my parents... my mom... who is my best girlfriend next to my daughter. My mom, who still sends care packages home and buys me bras and underwear and hands down her clothes to me (when they fit, 'cuz she's so damn skinny). Mom - who will drop everything and drive to Tonopah or bail me out of jail or fly out to see my professional theatre debut... who has been there through every victory and every crisis, every relationship, every break-up - and more importantly, who has been there for my kids. Through thick and thin, rain and shine, marriage and divorce - I've never doubted for a moment that my mother would spend her last breath making sure my kids were taken care of. And as a mother, I don't think there's anything more important than knowing your kids are loved and cared for.

I could fill pages upon pages of lessons I've learned over the years.

Without labels or qualifications, I've learned that love and joy and hope are the cornerstones of my existence. I live, I laugh, I love.

I don't live in a nice house or drive a fancy car or have tons of cash sitting around in my bank account. But I have the best kids, the best friends, the best family, the best co-workers, the best teachers, the best students, the best pets, and the BEST f*cking job in the world.

Happy Birthday to me. :)


Cheers.

The D-Day Blog...

I often struggle with how candid and/or intimate to get with this blog.

I don't mind being an open book - oftentimes I prefer it, since it eliminates the necessity of remembering each contact and what I've told to whom. But alas, sharing information isn't always my friend, and has led to rumors, conjecture, judgement and alienation at times.

As a true student of the human experience, however, I believe it's in my own best interest to fully participate and catalog the good, the bad, and the ugly. As an actor and artist, it only helps me flesh out those characters with accessible experiences... and I know that many of you will relate to what I'm writing today.

A majority of my past 11 years has been spent in partnership with a wonderful man who has been my castmate, my co-parent and my best friend. We have had a very unconventional relationship and one thing we agreed on was that our break-up would be just as unconventional. While I don't wish to speak for Jason, I believe he doesn't mind my sharing some of our mutual sentiments in regards to our decision to do just that.

We still love one another dearly. Jason is my best friend and the emergency contact on my phone and my theatre forms. He is one of my favorite actors and my favorite date... to date. (Attempts at levity to diffuse the tension, sorry - defense mechanism. I digress...) I am blessed to have him in my life and I do not wish to change that any time soon. I value his wisdom, his experience and his perspective. Our paths in life began to diverge some time ago. We were far too stubborn and scared to let go - until we realized that letting go of our romantic relationship didn't have to mean letting go of one another completely. So, we declared our independence - and our continued love and support of one another - and vowed to be an example of what can happen when two people part out of mutual respect for their needs and goals.

No anger, no hard feelings, no shit-talking, no taking sides, no putting our mutual friends in awkward positions. If we support each other, then there is no issue with those who wish to support us both. Jason and I have always believed in being positive influences in the world around us and this is no different.

Now here's where I get deeply personal...

I am a great girlfriend, but I'm not a very good wife.
For most of my life, I have defined myself by my relationships and found self-worth in the reflections of my partner. Not always a bad thing... But the lack of self-definition and confidence provides a very flimsy foundation for mutually beneficial relationships. I pride myself on being a chameleon - easily and seamlessly blending with a variety of characters and backdrops - but in that world, it's easy to lose sight of my natural color. As a result, I don't stick with many things for long. Theatre and my children have been a constant... but the rest of my circumstances have been widely varied.

My life has not been a simple one, but it is a blessed one. My son graduates in May and my daughter will start her final year of High School. They are both making their plans for post-graduation, none of which include sticking around with mom to ease her into middle age.
With 'empty nest syndrome' staring me full in the face, the universe saw fit to distract me with career offers and opportunities previously inaccessible to me. And thus, I'm looking at relocating by the end of the year. If I had my druthers, I'd relocate by the end of the summer... but I'm not sure that's going to happen.

In any case, I'm a little scared, but mostly excited at the changes that have been happening in my life lately. I have been an absentee friend recently and I apologize for that. I've been finding peace and balance in those few moments of solace - in my home and my sanctuary.

Above all, I want my extended family to know that I am happy and healthy and looking forward to my future with an open heart and open wings. I believe that the universe has wonderful things in store for me if I will only say 'yes' to them... and so I shall.
I've had two trips to NYC in the past six months for auditions and hope to have a few more lined up in the next six months as well. In the meantime, I'm continuing my research on possible relocation options; namely Chicago, IL (or Gary, IN), Washington, D.C. (or Baltimore, MD), Ft. Meyers, FL (or Sarasota) and Portland (or Eugene).

Until then, I want to thank everyone for their love and support and encouragement.
I have never felt so loved, nor loved so much as I do now.

Peace.

Serendipity

Life is magical.

So, I went back to NYC this weekend to audition for Merry-Go-Round Playhouse in upstate NY. It was just a quick 3-day foray into the city, but as always, I tried to pack it with as many visits with friends as possible.

Now, to backtrack... I had a bit of a personal/spiritual epiphany many years back that was the culmination of several elements: 1.) 'The Artists Way' by Julie Cameron. This book is basically a 12-step program for artists and it changed the way I looked at myself and my craft. 2.) An evening with three friends and a 'prayer stick' in which I declared the independence of my 'fuzzy, pink planet'. 3.) The discovery of an Indian guru named Osho who died 10 years before I'd ever heard of him.

Since that phase of my life, I've been opened to the crazy, magical serendipity of the universe. I follow my heart more often than my head, which often defies logic or reason, and I'm happier that way.

It turned out that I got the chance to see some dear friends of mine - strong, beautiful, creative female influences in my life that I treasure beyond any earthly value (and who I hope against hope that I will get to work with again in the near future) as well as my sweet boys, Cory and Gregory... and ran into an old friend from 20 years ago that I never thought I'd see again. It was beyond amazing.

I had a successful audition, which I hope means I'll be back in NY sooner rather than later... but even if that doesn't pan out, there's always next time. And the trip... was already so worth it... if only for the personal joy and healing.

There have been those times in my life where it feels like pieces just come together - where I only have to be open to the possibilities - and they begin to unfold right before me. This is one of those times.

And while it's nerve-wracking to think that my lease is up in 4 months and I don't quite know where I'm going or what I'm doing yet; there is a part of me that knows I just have to follow my heart, be open to the possibilities and have faith... and the answers will present themselves.
Sometimes it's an answer we'd never imagine or expect.

Now, we play the 'Hurry-up-and-wait' game as theatres cast their summer seasons and begin auditions for next season. I have work that can carry me through the end of the summer if I want it... so, for now, I get on board and enjoy the ride.

Last night marked the first rehearsal/meet-n-greet/sing-thru for 'Gypsy' with Phoenix Theatre. I'm really excited to be starting this project - which happens to include some of my favorite people to work with. Not only that, but my primary role is a purely comedic one... which is just the best! I get to make people laugh and feel good, which is among the top three things I love to do.

I return to my hometown feeling blessed. So blessed.

...And reminded of the Native American parable where a grandfather explains the conflict within man as two wolves fighting one another. One wolf is anger and jealousy and turmoil and feeds on fear. The other is peace and compassion and joy and feeds on love. And for every bit that the former bites and scratches and howls for attention, the latter waits patiently, unassuming... but they fight each other all our lives. With that, the grandson asks, "But which wolf wins?" Grandfather responds, "The one you feed."

So, as Joseph Campbell would say, "Follow your bliss." The rest will come to you.

I've gotta crow...

I won't lie and say I don't like to toot my own horn. I LOVE to toot my own horn.
I'll toot it all the live-long day!

Lately, however, I have actual reason to toot aforementioned horn. (And not just "Oh look, I changed the toilet paper roll!")

I made a resolution at the beginning of the year that I've actually managed to keep up with some regularity. Not only have I been spending more time in the kitchen, but I've made a concerted effort to give a crap where my food is coming from.

Fast food joints are a thing of the past. I've still splurged with the kids on the odd weekend here and there, but they have been really good sports with my culinary experimentation.

I am the smoothie queen - and my freezer is half-full of berries and frozen juice cubes. I've finally converted to soy and almond milk (and so have the kids, by proxy) and couldn't feel better about it! I'm still a sucker for my cheeses, so I'm afraid I'll never be able to go completely vegan... it's the Irish in me... I gotta have my meat and potatoes!
BUT, we've been enjoying fresh salads, rice and steamed veggies, homemade chicken noodle soup, homemade lasagna (with organic - from scratch - tomato sauce), hummus, salsa, pita and tortillas.
That's right, bitches... we make our own bread products up in this hizzy.
And we don't believe in bread machines or perfect rice cookers.
In my primitive kitchen (which lacks a dish washer) we do things old school... which means I could almost certainly duplicate it in a crisis/post-apocalyptic/camping situation. (Yet I still haven't perfected mom's pan-fried potatoes and am convinced it's because I lack one of those circa 1979 electric skillets.) It has been far beyond merely edible... I've actually been making pretty damn good stuff! (And because I've always fancied myself a decent baker, but no cook... this is quite the accomplishment for me!)

In any case, I'm feeling much better about what I'm putting in my body food-wise. Now I just have to cut out the caffeine and quit smoking. Lord, I need to quit smoking. There are going to be a lot of demands on my voice in the next several months and I'm not doing myself any favors by dicking around. I need to get serious.

And there's hope! I've gotten serious (and been successful thus far) with some lifestyle changes and adopting more positive habits. The trick will be whether or not I can continue those habits through several months of production and high-stress.

I leave Friday morning for a return trip to NYC and am getting excited!! It's another quick turnaround, but I'm finding that I enjoy the short visits to the city. There's always something left on my list for "next time" as I still haven't had the chance to drink in every experience that I'd like to. It keeps me coming back for more.

I will definitely post about my adventures... My daughter has been touting this 'vlog' thing... a 'video' blog, apparently. Now, I rather enjoy the fact that I'm writing this blog in my tattered, coffee-stained robe, hair in a topknot and not a bit of makeup on my face... but I don't believe that the world is ready to see that. So, the vlogs will be infrequent at best.

It's not that I'm proud... I just seek to retain the dignity I have left in my life.

And on that note, I'm off to make plans to get stupid in the city with all my pretty little chorus boys and girls! :)

Cheers!

Evolving and resolving...

Today was a rough day.

Life takes off and doesn't slow down for months at a time... but when it does, those moments of clarity sneak in through the silence and the stillness. And sometimes that clarity isn't always welcome, but I listen... because the voice within exhibits much more wisdom than I.
There are a ton of issues weighing on my mind emotionally. Career, kids, a possible move out-of-state... I'm gearing up for another short trip to NYC for auditions and then rehearsals start for Gypsy, followed immediately by Next to Normal - which ends the day before my son graduates and a mere week before my lease is up.

As if that wasn't enough, today brought the equivalent of a really horrible break-up.

I've read plenty of books and talked through plenty therapy sessions that helped me diagnose and remove toxic relationships from my life, but no one ever explained the protocol when I'M the toxic one.

In this case, I was faced with a choice... to think only of myself and my own best interests - or to consider the wants and needs of a stranger before my own. It was hard and hurt much more than I expected it to. Through gritted teeth and with a smile of false optimism, I walked away.

Though I know I did the right thing and made a much more mature decision than I typically make, I don't feel any better. I keep waiting for the clouds to part and the weight to lift as the voice within sings, "Good Job! You're a grown up who has finally evolved past her typical level of douchebaggery!"

But instead I only feel loss... an overwhelming sense of loss...
...and sadness.

Anger with myself for helping to create a toxic situation and frustration that there was no 'easy fix', no 'win-win', no mutually beneficial resolution. In order to win, I simply had to lose.

I always thought being an adult would be so much easier than this.

The Circle of (Scripted) Life...

The bottom of my bookshelf is lined with 3-ring binders.

They sit in a neat little row, their spines of varying thickness, most of them black and white - with a blue and green thrown in.

Inside each binder is a script from a past show I've done. The pages are highlighted and dog-eared with scribbled shorthand in the margins and doodles where the director stopped us for notes.

I recycle the binders as I get new scripts. The old scripts come out and go into a bin labeled 'Scripts and Memorabilia'. There are two old paper boxes bearing the same label that contain everything I've done on stage prior to 2002.

I always enjoy pulling out the old scripts. A rush of memories always comes flooding back as I recall castmates and backstage shenanigans. Foreign concepts written in my own handwriting - or funny quotes from cast and crew - reading lines once as comfortable in my mouth as my own name... all new again. Documented proof of where I've been and the lives I've lived in this lifetime... some of which I remember vividly, some of which I can barely recall. Much like college, I suppose.

It's like opening a Christmas present that got lost in the closet during Spring cleaning years ago or thumbing through a long-forgotten photo album or finding baby clothes that your preteen once wore.

I received one contract and script in the mail today and will pick up another this evening. So... 'Lysistrata' was retired to the archives and 'Next to Normal' took its place. Likewise, I relocated 'Arms and the Man' in favor of 'Gypsy'.

These two binders will travel with me just about everywhere for the next four months. I will hold them, beat them, love them, curse them, cry, laugh, write, doodle and record revelations in them.

The pages within these binders will challenge and motivate me to be a better artist than I was when I performed their predecessors.

It feels like a graduation of sorts... another milestone in the circle of life. And though I'm excited and can't wait to start working on my new additions, my heart does a little 'Velveteen Rabbit' twinge as I pack away my old babies.

Out with the old and in with the new.

Tonight, I'm going to go drink some wine with my fellow showgirl. I will "twinkle while I shake it". She will "bump it with a trumpet". ...and all will be well with the world.

Sh*t Andi Writes...

I've noticed a growing trend with blogs and vlogs and youtube rants lately. Rants seem to be all the rage nowadays with "shit people say" or "things I hate".

I'd like to take credit for pioneering this trend with a long-ago blog titled "OPP" (yeah, you know me) about Obnoxious Pet Peeves. I've been tempted to resurrect this blog because it was a great form of therapy. (Plus I thought it was really funny.)

I eventually gave up on the blog because I was influenced by those around me that thought it only added to the 'negative energy of the universe'. You know... the concept of getting off your ass and changing what you don't like rather than just bitching about it. (Insert Gandhi quote here.)

However, through years of experience (and memorization of the serenity prayer) I realized that there are some things that I cannot change - no matter how hard I try.

And thus, I bitch.

Not to add to the negative energy of the universe... but rather, to make myself laugh – thus allowing me to maintain my usual quirky, positive, 'shitting rainbows' outlook on life.

I did decide that I'm going to market a new toy for 2012.

Back in my day, we had the ol' “See-N-Say”, but adapting it for the new trends, I'm going to give it a more contemporary appearance and re-market it as “Shit Animals Say” and make a fortune!!

First post of 2012!!

Happy New Year!

Immediate Disclaimer: This is one of those year-in-review posts. If you don't know, don't care, or have already gotten a dozen of these in your Christmas cards and can't stomach another one, feel free to skip this one. :)

I've been horribly remiss with the bloggery lately - and I'll be completely honest when I say that 'keeping up with my blog' did NOT make the resolution list for 2012. In fact, I'm pretty sure I forgot I had a blog when I was making my resolutions.

So, for those friends and family who are not bored to tears with my personal updates, here's your update for the end of 2011.

It sucked and I'm glad it's over.

Professionally, 2011 was a milestone year. I worked steadily with wonderful companies in some amazing roles. I had an amazing two months in Little Rock with my 'Hairspray' cast and crew - and even got to see a few of them a few months later when I went to New York for auditions.
I'm not sure what I expected, since it was my first time auditioning in the city... but it was not at all the nerve-wracking, anxiety-inducing experience I expected it to be. I had a blast! I walked the city streets until my feet were blistered and my calves stiff. I ate amazing food and applauded the incredible talent busking on the subway platforms. I sang, danced, acted, spun circles and threw my hat in the air in Times Square - and then flipped off a cabbie 'cuz he didn't want to take me to JFK in the rain - making my temporary transformation to 'city girl' complete. I loved every minute of it and can't wait to be back there in February for callbacks! I did a wonderful show called 'Next Fall' with an amazing company in Phoenix (Actors Theatre) that not only reminded me how much I love contemporary theatre, but also made me grow and evolve personally and spiritually. I also love the shit out of every director I got to work with this season - which made my job less of a job and more of an extended playdate with a favored mentor. You just can't beat that!

I wrote a ton this year - I'm now doing rewrites for a historical play about the women's suffrage movement, have first drafts written for two one-act plays, and an outline for a full-length black comedy. Whew!

My kids... are no longer my kids. They are mutant teenage housemates that don't pay rent. I'm kidding, really.

My son turned 18 last month - against my direct orders - and is now finishing his last semester of High School. David is a perfect example of an intelligent kid getting lost in the cracks of the public school's special education system. A late diagnosis didn't help, but even when we knew we were facing the challenges of autism, we had hope...
David spent most of his education in contained classes with severely disabled students. Everything from social/behavioral dysfunctions to severe mental retardation. He brought home videos (taken in class with his cell phone) of students bashing each other in the head with skateboards, other students catatonic and drooling in the corner... and asking the question, "Why am I here?" His own occupational therapist told his father and me not to expect him to make it through High School. She said we should 'do our best' to see him through as much as possible and then enlist a program to help him with his GED but that she had little hope for him in an integrated setting.

That nasty little naysayer is the first person on my list to get his graduation announcement. I so desperately want to sign it with a "Screw you. He did it!"
And while I wish I could take credit and say that it was stalwart parenting that made him so capable and determined, it's really David who did all the work. He switched schools and got a fresh start and made it. His grades this semester are the best they've ever been and I couldn't be prouder.
His plan is to enlist after High School - which scares the living daylights out of me. He's still too young and too precious and too untouched by the ugliness of the world... which to me means he's still too young for a gun in his hand and a government agenda in his head.

This is the hard part of letting go. Letting my children make permanent decisions for themselves and their lives is excruciating. I have some input... but very little at this point... while they find their own voices.

My daughter is still the dynamo. She is completely invested in her classes (most of them advanced or IB classes) and her extra-curricular activities. She has become more and more involved in dance and community service this year, since most of her required courses are completed. She could graduate early if she wanted to, but is already younger than most of her peers, so she's opting to graduate with her class so she can turn 18 before entering college. (Tough choice to have to make.) She has already started the process of applying to colleges. Her intellectual love is psychology and she's got a good knack for it.

She and her boyfriend have been dating about 9 months now and are totes 'in loves'.

I'm just waiting for the right time to reveal to said boyfriend that his muse once pooped in her own bellybutton.

Yes, I've made it a personal goal to keep my daughter from getting laid. Ever. Grandkids are not that important to me. Not yet, anyhow.

2011 brought some relationship challenges in my own life. It can't be easy to be partnered with a half-insane, self-absorbed actress who is hitting her 'mid-life crisis' and 'empty nest' phases at the same time. I have to give props to Jason for still being my friend after the last 10 (almost 11) years I've put him through - though I'm pretty sure he's just keeping me close because of all the blackmail material I've got.

I've spent the first few days of 2012 obsessing over my new Christmas present... I'm kinda in love.

Actually the props have to go to my mom... for the Christmas cash that made this purchase possible. Meet "El Hefe"!

Now, I've had blenders before, but I have the tendency to buy the $18.00 cheap, plastic, Target/KMart brand that is on sale. Rarely do those EVER do more than shave half your ice to water, leaving the rest in chunks. And more often than not, the mixture would get stuck, resulting in my treating the damn thing like it was a martini shaker. (Incidentally, a great exercise for those lacking a Shakeweight.) They'd last me through about two weeks of intense use and then poop out or break.

And so the investment was made in a slightly more expensive kitchen appliance that has already made healthy smoothies for days as I try out new recipes on the kids.

We did our 'Mexican food night' with themed tropical smoothies and it was an overall success. So a big THANKS to mom for giving us the ability to turn this:









Into THIS:

It also has another attachment that enabled us to make homemade salsa (props also to Pro's Ranch Market for their dirt cheap and amazing produce).
So yeah... I guess you could say I'm a little obsessed...

But that brings me to 2012.

My first resolution was to start eating better. I love being in the kitchen and I love to experiment with foods... but I easily fall victim to the convenience of fast food (especially during crazy rehearsal hours) and a dirty kitchen.

I also had to acknowledge that my love affair with food has led to some bad habits that need to be broken. I purge and fast several times throughout the year and I blame it on my schedule and my work when really, it's just laziness. (That concept is true and apparent in other aspects of my life than just food!)


I have a little over a month to prepare for another trip to New York before rehearsals begin for Gypsy. It's plenty of time to start new habits.

My 'mantra theme' for 2011 was all about hope. Hope for my kids. Hope for my dad. Hope for castmates. Hope for my stepdad. Hope for improvement... in so many aspects.

My 'mantra theme' for 2012 (so far) seems to be all about change. Change for my kids. Change for my career. Transitions galore!

I will be doing a moderate amount of traveling this year. I'll be out of state for at least two months with the potential of being gone for six. It's both exciting and daunting. I miss my family and my pets when I'm gone... but technology makes it easy for us to stay in touch and see faces on a daily basis.
I'm not sure what this year has in store - which is difficult for a control-freak like myself to admit - but one of the other things I've 'resolved' for this year is that I'm going to be okay with not knowing.

I'm going to be okay with being impulsive and spontaneous - so long as it doesn't get me in trouble with the law.

I'm going to accept the things I have no control over.
I'm going to take better control of the things I need to.

I'm eating better. I'm quitting smoking. I'm staying active (even between shows).

I'm not procrastinating around the house any more and I'm finishing the projects I've started.

I've sold and donated boxes and bins of stuff that has accumulated over the past several years and I'm starting to condense my life into more manageable compartments.

I also have a list of 'secondary' resolutions that are not necessarily priority but things I'd still like to accomplish this year. Among them, I'd like to take more pictures. I got so busy after the Spring that I really didn't do as much in that arena as I'd like... and I'd really like to improve so I can justify investing in a better camera eventually. But that's dependent on my reaching some other goals first.

I'll close my year in review by saying that I learned hard lessons, made decent strides, failed and succeeded, lost some old friends and made some new ones. It was a hard year, but a necessary one to the growth and change I will be challenged with in the year ahead.

And so it was... that 2011 passed with a whimper and a death rattle as my daughter and I read side-by-side and my son came in to snap a picture of 'the nerds' before heading outside to catch the fireworks/neighborhood gunplay.

I have to admit, it's not the worst way to spend New Year's Eve.

True there was no champagne, no rowdy friends, no romantic kiss 'neath glitter and confetti on the dance floor... but I've already had those celebrations in my life. It was nice to be at home with the people I love the most in this world - doing nothing more than enjoying their company and celebrating another milestone.


Okay, bring it on, 2012! I'm ready for ya!

Oh... hold on... lemme make a smoothie for the road first. :)

Half a Lifetime Ago...

Eighteen years ago, I was eighteen years old and my life was about to change forever.

Today, my son turned eighteen.

After a series of emotional texts with my ex-husband (his dad), I took to digging out his baby book just for old time's sake.
I found a letter tucked into the back - the envelope was sealed - and on the front was written "To Bubba: On his 18th Birthday".
To give a little history here, I have very few things that I've held on to for 18 years. My social security card, a couple pieces of jewelry that belonged to my Nanny and my Mamo, my childhood bible... and photos. That's about it.
I broke the seal and opened the letter and so many emotions came flooding back - I was instantly transported to the hallway floor of my first apartment where I penned that letter over 18 years ago. We were still throwing around names for our baby boy, but because he was such a brute in-utero, we took to calling him 'Bubba'.

Eighteen years ago, a very nervous 18-year-old girl wrote the following:

12/14/1993

"Dear 'Bubba',

I don't know you yet. I don't even know what we're going to name you. But I already love you. You're due in a week, but there's a possibility that we might be bringing you home before then. I still can't believe how much my life has changed in the past six months. And how much it's going to change in the next week.

My mom was there when I heard your heartbeat for the first time. It sounded like static to me at first, but then I heard it like the rhythm of a washing machine, strong and steady.

I was reading a book and drinking iced tea this summer the first time I felt you move. At first I thought it was gas... it was just the tiniest, softest flutter, like I had swallowed a moth. It didn't take very long for that soft tickle to turn into blips and bumps and elbows in my ribs. We know you're a boy and we know you're strong. So your dad and I have been calling you 'Bubba'.

I sing to you every day and I talk to you on my walk home from work. I can't imagine what the neighbors must think about the crazy pregnant girl who talks to herself!

You'll know this growing up, 'cuz you'll learn math in public school, but your dad and I only got married a little over a month ago. We waited because we wanted to make sure we were getting married for the right reasons. I'm still not sure I even know what the right reasons are. But I know that we love each other. And we love you. We fought our family and each other for you. You're not even here and you're already the most important person in our lives.

I just got a crappy little roach-infested apartment close to work because I have no car, but I have a good job and health insurance. So, I've got a head start on this 'adulthood' thing, I think. We're facing a lot of challenges right now and I'm sad to say that you're going to have a rough start in this world. But hey, so did Jesus, right? Not that I'm the Virgin Mary... VERY far from it!... but more on that when you're older.

I'm scared. I don't know if I'll be a good mom. But I promise to try. I promise to love you more than anyone else possibly could. I promise to stick by you when the rest of the world has turned its back on you. I promise that as long as I'm alive, you will be welcome in my home and in my arms. I promise to teach you what I can. I promise to learn. I promise to grow.

I can't wait to meet you.

I love you.

Love,

Mom

PS. That's the first time I've signed the word 'mom'. I think I like it."