Evolving and resolving...

Today was a rough day.

Life takes off and doesn't slow down for months at a time... but when it does, those moments of clarity sneak in through the silence and the stillness. And sometimes that clarity isn't always welcome, but I listen... because the voice within exhibits much more wisdom than I.
There are a ton of issues weighing on my mind emotionally. Career, kids, a possible move out-of-state... I'm gearing up for another short trip to NYC for auditions and then rehearsals start for Gypsy, followed immediately by Next to Normal - which ends the day before my son graduates and a mere week before my lease is up.

As if that wasn't enough, today brought the equivalent of a really horrible break-up.

I've read plenty of books and talked through plenty therapy sessions that helped me diagnose and remove toxic relationships from my life, but no one ever explained the protocol when I'M the toxic one.

In this case, I was faced with a choice... to think only of myself and my own best interests - or to consider the wants and needs of a stranger before my own. It was hard and hurt much more than I expected it to. Through gritted teeth and with a smile of false optimism, I walked away.

Though I know I did the right thing and made a much more mature decision than I typically make, I don't feel any better. I keep waiting for the clouds to part and the weight to lift as the voice within sings, "Good Job! You're a grown up who has finally evolved past her typical level of douchebaggery!"

But instead I only feel loss... an overwhelming sense of loss...
...and sadness.

Anger with myself for helping to create a toxic situation and frustration that there was no 'easy fix', no 'win-win', no mutually beneficial resolution. In order to win, I simply had to lose.

I always thought being an adult would be so much easier than this.