The D-Day Blog...

I often struggle with how candid and/or intimate to get with this blog.

I don't mind being an open book - oftentimes I prefer it, since it eliminates the necessity of remembering each contact and what I've told to whom. But alas, sharing information isn't always my friend, and has led to rumors, conjecture, judgement and alienation at times.

As a true student of the human experience, however, I believe it's in my own best interest to fully participate and catalog the good, the bad, and the ugly. As an actor and artist, it only helps me flesh out those characters with accessible experiences... and I know that many of you will relate to what I'm writing today.

A majority of my past 11 years has been spent in partnership with a wonderful man who has been my castmate, my co-parent and my best friend. We have had a very unconventional relationship and one thing we agreed on was that our break-up would be just as unconventional. While I don't wish to speak for Jason, I believe he doesn't mind my sharing some of our mutual sentiments in regards to our decision to do just that.

We still love one another dearly. Jason is my best friend and the emergency contact on my phone and my theatre forms. He is one of my favorite actors and my favorite date... to date. (Attempts at levity to diffuse the tension, sorry - defense mechanism. I digress...) I am blessed to have him in my life and I do not wish to change that any time soon. I value his wisdom, his experience and his perspective. Our paths in life began to diverge some time ago. We were far too stubborn and scared to let go - until we realized that letting go of our romantic relationship didn't have to mean letting go of one another completely. So, we declared our independence - and our continued love and support of one another - and vowed to be an example of what can happen when two people part out of mutual respect for their needs and goals.

No anger, no hard feelings, no shit-talking, no taking sides, no putting our mutual friends in awkward positions. If we support each other, then there is no issue with those who wish to support us both. Jason and I have always believed in being positive influences in the world around us and this is no different.

Now here's where I get deeply personal...

I am a great girlfriend, but I'm not a very good wife.
For most of my life, I have defined myself by my relationships and found self-worth in the reflections of my partner. Not always a bad thing... But the lack of self-definition and confidence provides a very flimsy foundation for mutually beneficial relationships. I pride myself on being a chameleon - easily and seamlessly blending with a variety of characters and backdrops - but in that world, it's easy to lose sight of my natural color. As a result, I don't stick with many things for long. Theatre and my children have been a constant... but the rest of my circumstances have been widely varied.

My life has not been a simple one, but it is a blessed one. My son graduates in May and my daughter will start her final year of High School. They are both making their plans for post-graduation, none of which include sticking around with mom to ease her into middle age.
With 'empty nest syndrome' staring me full in the face, the universe saw fit to distract me with career offers and opportunities previously inaccessible to me. And thus, I'm looking at relocating by the end of the year. If I had my druthers, I'd relocate by the end of the summer... but I'm not sure that's going to happen.

In any case, I'm a little scared, but mostly excited at the changes that have been happening in my life lately. I have been an absentee friend recently and I apologize for that. I've been finding peace and balance in those few moments of solace - in my home and my sanctuary.

Above all, I want my extended family to know that I am happy and healthy and looking forward to my future with an open heart and open wings. I believe that the universe has wonderful things in store for me if I will only say 'yes' to them... and so I shall.
I've had two trips to NYC in the past six months for auditions and hope to have a few more lined up in the next six months as well. In the meantime, I'm continuing my research on possible relocation options; namely Chicago, IL (or Gary, IN), Washington, D.C. (or Baltimore, MD), Ft. Meyers, FL (or Sarasota) and Portland (or Eugene).

Until then, I want to thank everyone for their love and support and encouragement.
I have never felt so loved, nor loved so much as I do now.

Peace.