Birthday Bloggery

Another year gone...

Age (being relative) seems to hit me quicker and with more 'oomph' each year - My philosophy being that as a child, waiting a year seems a lifetime. Or perhaps one quarter of your lifetime (which it very well could be)... whilst a year to an adult may seem paltry in respect to the change and evolution seen in one thirtieth of a lifetime lived... but I digress.

I always end up contemplating (and naturally assume others do as well) around my birthday, taking inventory of what I've achieved or accomplished vs. what kind of negative debt I've thrown out into the universe.

As a result, I usually get depressed on my birthdays. I compare myself to my family a lot - and I don't live as well as they do, nor am I as responsible. I don't have the 401k or the health insurance that my peers do. I've never owned a car that cost more than $3000.00. I can't imagine ever having a garden like my mother's, or a studio like my dad's... or the things for my kids that my nieces and nephews will have in abundance...
I could go on.
But this year is so different.

My son is graduating this year. I want to swing from vines and shout from rooftops and sing at the top of my lungs. I want to swing him around and lift him high... but I can't, 'cuz the kid is over 6-feet tall and lifts ME up instead. He is my warrior. My fighter. My silent champion. My son. I am so honored to have a fraction of my soul living in this boy... this man-child on the verge of adulthood. I am so proud, so in love... and every bit in awe of him as I was when I first held him in my arms. I am blessed.

My daughter is growing into the most amazing woman I know. She is driven, passionate, stubborn, opinionated, sensitive, loyal... and a beautiful artist. She is smart. Much smarter than I was at her age. And focused. My joy in watching her spread her wings is immeasurable. She is my favorite critic and my best friend. She is wise. She is brilliant. She dances and I weep with pride. She leaps and my heart soars. I am grateful for her strength and her wit. We've relied on both as sister soldiers. I am so blessed.

My friends are amazing. They listen to my stupid stories that have no point. They support and encourage me. They remind me that I'm not supposed to be perfect or infallible. They love me all the more because I'm not. They make me smile on the hardest days and make me work to keep up. They hold me accountable. They remind me that I'm part of something bigger than myself. They love me for who I am, accept me for who I am not, and I would walk through flaming piles of shit for each and every one of them. No questions asked. I've been blessed with relationships that withstood the tests of time and distance (and both.) My friends have been there for me through thick and thin - a select few of them being recent additions to my 'inner circle', but the majority being those I've known since middle and High School. Long friendships based on decades of experiences... I am truly blessed.

My family is incredible. We're not as close as I sometimes wish we were, but it's difficult with our respective schedules and commitments and (in some cases) locations. But even though we aren't in contact as often or as close as we once were, I would drop everything in a heartbeat if one of my brothers needed something. Likewise for their beautiful and amazing wives - each and every one of them brilliant and beautiful. As if my brothers (who were my best friends and worst enemies growing up) weren't enough to fill up my wineglass-sized heart, they've procreated with their gorgeous female mates to produce the most adorable nieces and nephews anyone has ever imagined! Watching them grow up is like watching the replay of my own children (but without the insomnia and the constant poop - everywhere!) They are all incredible little people - fractured souls of my brothers in these pint-sized vehicles... it's so surreal to take a step back and just watch.

And my parents... my mom... who is my best girlfriend next to my daughter. My mom, who still sends care packages home and buys me bras and underwear and hands down her clothes to me (when they fit, 'cuz she's so damn skinny). Mom - who will drop everything and drive to Tonopah or bail me out of jail or fly out to see my professional theatre debut... who has been there through every victory and every crisis, every relationship, every break-up - and more importantly, who has been there for my kids. Through thick and thin, rain and shine, marriage and divorce - I've never doubted for a moment that my mother would spend her last breath making sure my kids were taken care of. And as a mother, I don't think there's anything more important than knowing your kids are loved and cared for.

I could fill pages upon pages of lessons I've learned over the years.

Without labels or qualifications, I've learned that love and joy and hope are the cornerstones of my existence. I live, I laugh, I love.

I don't live in a nice house or drive a fancy car or have tons of cash sitting around in my bank account. But I have the best kids, the best friends, the best family, the best co-workers, the best teachers, the best students, the best pets, and the BEST f*cking job in the world.

Happy Birthday to me. :)


Cheers.