Birthday Bloggery

Another year gone...

Age (being relative) seems to hit me quicker and with more 'oomph' each year - My philosophy being that as a child, waiting a year seems a lifetime. Or perhaps one quarter of your lifetime (which it very well could be)... whilst a year to an adult may seem paltry in respect to the change and evolution seen in one thirtieth of a lifetime lived... but I digress.

I always end up contemplating (and naturally assume others do as well) around my birthday, taking inventory of what I've achieved or accomplished vs. what kind of negative debt I've thrown out into the universe.

As a result, I usually get depressed on my birthdays. I compare myself to my family a lot - and I don't live as well as they do, nor am I as responsible. I don't have the 401k or the health insurance that my peers do. I've never owned a car that cost more than $3000.00. I can't imagine ever having a garden like my mother's, or a studio like my dad's... or the things for my kids that my nieces and nephews will have in abundance...
I could go on.
But this year is so different.

My son is graduating this year. I want to swing from vines and shout from rooftops and sing at the top of my lungs. I want to swing him around and lift him high... but I can't, 'cuz the kid is over 6-feet tall and lifts ME up instead. He is my warrior. My fighter. My silent champion. My son. I am so honored to have a fraction of my soul living in this boy... this man-child on the verge of adulthood. I am so proud, so in love... and every bit in awe of him as I was when I first held him in my arms. I am blessed.

My daughter is growing into the most amazing woman I know. She is driven, passionate, stubborn, opinionated, sensitive, loyal... and a beautiful artist. She is smart. Much smarter than I was at her age. And focused. My joy in watching her spread her wings is immeasurable. She is my favorite critic and my best friend. She is wise. She is brilliant. She dances and I weep with pride. She leaps and my heart soars. I am grateful for her strength and her wit. We've relied on both as sister soldiers. I am so blessed.

My friends are amazing. They listen to my stupid stories that have no point. They support and encourage me. They remind me that I'm not supposed to be perfect or infallible. They love me all the more because I'm not. They make me smile on the hardest days and make me work to keep up. They hold me accountable. They remind me that I'm part of something bigger than myself. They love me for who I am, accept me for who I am not, and I would walk through flaming piles of shit for each and every one of them. No questions asked. I've been blessed with relationships that withstood the tests of time and distance (and both.) My friends have been there for me through thick and thin - a select few of them being recent additions to my 'inner circle', but the majority being those I've known since middle and High School. Long friendships based on decades of experiences... I am truly blessed.

My family is incredible. We're not as close as I sometimes wish we were, but it's difficult with our respective schedules and commitments and (in some cases) locations. But even though we aren't in contact as often or as close as we once were, I would drop everything in a heartbeat if one of my brothers needed something. Likewise for their beautiful and amazing wives - each and every one of them brilliant and beautiful. As if my brothers (who were my best friends and worst enemies growing up) weren't enough to fill up my wineglass-sized heart, they've procreated with their gorgeous female mates to produce the most adorable nieces and nephews anyone has ever imagined! Watching them grow up is like watching the replay of my own children (but without the insomnia and the constant poop - everywhere!) They are all incredible little people - fractured souls of my brothers in these pint-sized vehicles... it's so surreal to take a step back and just watch.

And my parents... my mom... who is my best girlfriend next to my daughter. My mom, who still sends care packages home and buys me bras and underwear and hands down her clothes to me (when they fit, 'cuz she's so damn skinny). Mom - who will drop everything and drive to Tonopah or bail me out of jail or fly out to see my professional theatre debut... who has been there through every victory and every crisis, every relationship, every break-up - and more importantly, who has been there for my kids. Through thick and thin, rain and shine, marriage and divorce - I've never doubted for a moment that my mother would spend her last breath making sure my kids were taken care of. And as a mother, I don't think there's anything more important than knowing your kids are loved and cared for.

I could fill pages upon pages of lessons I've learned over the years.

Without labels or qualifications, I've learned that love and joy and hope are the cornerstones of my existence. I live, I laugh, I love.

I don't live in a nice house or drive a fancy car or have tons of cash sitting around in my bank account. But I have the best kids, the best friends, the best family, the best co-workers, the best teachers, the best students, the best pets, and the BEST f*cking job in the world.

Happy Birthday to me. :)


Cheers.

The D-Day Blog...

I often struggle with how candid and/or intimate to get with this blog.

I don't mind being an open book - oftentimes I prefer it, since it eliminates the necessity of remembering each contact and what I've told to whom. But alas, sharing information isn't always my friend, and has led to rumors, conjecture, judgement and alienation at times.

As a true student of the human experience, however, I believe it's in my own best interest to fully participate and catalog the good, the bad, and the ugly. As an actor and artist, it only helps me flesh out those characters with accessible experiences... and I know that many of you will relate to what I'm writing today.

A majority of my past 11 years has been spent in partnership with a wonderful man who has been my castmate, my co-parent and my best friend. We have had a very unconventional relationship and one thing we agreed on was that our break-up would be just as unconventional. While I don't wish to speak for Jason, I believe he doesn't mind my sharing some of our mutual sentiments in regards to our decision to do just that.

We still love one another dearly. Jason is my best friend and the emergency contact on my phone and my theatre forms. He is one of my favorite actors and my favorite date... to date. (Attempts at levity to diffuse the tension, sorry - defense mechanism. I digress...) I am blessed to have him in my life and I do not wish to change that any time soon. I value his wisdom, his experience and his perspective. Our paths in life began to diverge some time ago. We were far too stubborn and scared to let go - until we realized that letting go of our romantic relationship didn't have to mean letting go of one another completely. So, we declared our independence - and our continued love and support of one another - and vowed to be an example of what can happen when two people part out of mutual respect for their needs and goals.

No anger, no hard feelings, no shit-talking, no taking sides, no putting our mutual friends in awkward positions. If we support each other, then there is no issue with those who wish to support us both. Jason and I have always believed in being positive influences in the world around us and this is no different.

Now here's where I get deeply personal...

I am a great girlfriend, but I'm not a very good wife.
For most of my life, I have defined myself by my relationships and found self-worth in the reflections of my partner. Not always a bad thing... But the lack of self-definition and confidence provides a very flimsy foundation for mutually beneficial relationships. I pride myself on being a chameleon - easily and seamlessly blending with a variety of characters and backdrops - but in that world, it's easy to lose sight of my natural color. As a result, I don't stick with many things for long. Theatre and my children have been a constant... but the rest of my circumstances have been widely varied.

My life has not been a simple one, but it is a blessed one. My son graduates in May and my daughter will start her final year of High School. They are both making their plans for post-graduation, none of which include sticking around with mom to ease her into middle age.
With 'empty nest syndrome' staring me full in the face, the universe saw fit to distract me with career offers and opportunities previously inaccessible to me. And thus, I'm looking at relocating by the end of the year. If I had my druthers, I'd relocate by the end of the summer... but I'm not sure that's going to happen.

In any case, I'm a little scared, but mostly excited at the changes that have been happening in my life lately. I have been an absentee friend recently and I apologize for that. I've been finding peace and balance in those few moments of solace - in my home and my sanctuary.

Above all, I want my extended family to know that I am happy and healthy and looking forward to my future with an open heart and open wings. I believe that the universe has wonderful things in store for me if I will only say 'yes' to them... and so I shall.
I've had two trips to NYC in the past six months for auditions and hope to have a few more lined up in the next six months as well. In the meantime, I'm continuing my research on possible relocation options; namely Chicago, IL (or Gary, IN), Washington, D.C. (or Baltimore, MD), Ft. Meyers, FL (or Sarasota) and Portland (or Eugene).

Until then, I want to thank everyone for their love and support and encouragement.
I have never felt so loved, nor loved so much as I do now.

Peace.

Serendipity

Life is magical.

So, I went back to NYC this weekend to audition for Merry-Go-Round Playhouse in upstate NY. It was just a quick 3-day foray into the city, but as always, I tried to pack it with as many visits with friends as possible.

Now, to backtrack... I had a bit of a personal/spiritual epiphany many years back that was the culmination of several elements: 1.) 'The Artists Way' by Julie Cameron. This book is basically a 12-step program for artists and it changed the way I looked at myself and my craft. 2.) An evening with three friends and a 'prayer stick' in which I declared the independence of my 'fuzzy, pink planet'. 3.) The discovery of an Indian guru named Osho who died 10 years before I'd ever heard of him.

Since that phase of my life, I've been opened to the crazy, magical serendipity of the universe. I follow my heart more often than my head, which often defies logic or reason, and I'm happier that way.

It turned out that I got the chance to see some dear friends of mine - strong, beautiful, creative female influences in my life that I treasure beyond any earthly value (and who I hope against hope that I will get to work with again in the near future) as well as my sweet boys, Cory and Gregory... and ran into an old friend from 20 years ago that I never thought I'd see again. It was beyond amazing.

I had a successful audition, which I hope means I'll be back in NY sooner rather than later... but even if that doesn't pan out, there's always next time. And the trip... was already so worth it... if only for the personal joy and healing.

There have been those times in my life where it feels like pieces just come together - where I only have to be open to the possibilities - and they begin to unfold right before me. This is one of those times.

And while it's nerve-wracking to think that my lease is up in 4 months and I don't quite know where I'm going or what I'm doing yet; there is a part of me that knows I just have to follow my heart, be open to the possibilities and have faith... and the answers will present themselves.
Sometimes it's an answer we'd never imagine or expect.

Now, we play the 'Hurry-up-and-wait' game as theatres cast their summer seasons and begin auditions for next season. I have work that can carry me through the end of the summer if I want it... so, for now, I get on board and enjoy the ride.

Last night marked the first rehearsal/meet-n-greet/sing-thru for 'Gypsy' with Phoenix Theatre. I'm really excited to be starting this project - which happens to include some of my favorite people to work with. Not only that, but my primary role is a purely comedic one... which is just the best! I get to make people laugh and feel good, which is among the top three things I love to do.

I return to my hometown feeling blessed. So blessed.

...And reminded of the Native American parable where a grandfather explains the conflict within man as two wolves fighting one another. One wolf is anger and jealousy and turmoil and feeds on fear. The other is peace and compassion and joy and feeds on love. And for every bit that the former bites and scratches and howls for attention, the latter waits patiently, unassuming... but they fight each other all our lives. With that, the grandson asks, "But which wolf wins?" Grandfather responds, "The one you feed."

So, as Joseph Campbell would say, "Follow your bliss." The rest will come to you.

I've gotta crow...

I won't lie and say I don't like to toot my own horn. I LOVE to toot my own horn.
I'll toot it all the live-long day!

Lately, however, I have actual reason to toot aforementioned horn. (And not just "Oh look, I changed the toilet paper roll!")

I made a resolution at the beginning of the year that I've actually managed to keep up with some regularity. Not only have I been spending more time in the kitchen, but I've made a concerted effort to give a crap where my food is coming from.

Fast food joints are a thing of the past. I've still splurged with the kids on the odd weekend here and there, but they have been really good sports with my culinary experimentation.

I am the smoothie queen - and my freezer is half-full of berries and frozen juice cubes. I've finally converted to soy and almond milk (and so have the kids, by proxy) and couldn't feel better about it! I'm still a sucker for my cheeses, so I'm afraid I'll never be able to go completely vegan... it's the Irish in me... I gotta have my meat and potatoes!
BUT, we've been enjoying fresh salads, rice and steamed veggies, homemade chicken noodle soup, homemade lasagna (with organic - from scratch - tomato sauce), hummus, salsa, pita and tortillas.
That's right, bitches... we make our own bread products up in this hizzy.
And we don't believe in bread machines or perfect rice cookers.
In my primitive kitchen (which lacks a dish washer) we do things old school... which means I could almost certainly duplicate it in a crisis/post-apocalyptic/camping situation. (Yet I still haven't perfected mom's pan-fried potatoes and am convinced it's because I lack one of those circa 1979 electric skillets.) It has been far beyond merely edible... I've actually been making pretty damn good stuff! (And because I've always fancied myself a decent baker, but no cook... this is quite the accomplishment for me!)

In any case, I'm feeling much better about what I'm putting in my body food-wise. Now I just have to cut out the caffeine and quit smoking. Lord, I need to quit smoking. There are going to be a lot of demands on my voice in the next several months and I'm not doing myself any favors by dicking around. I need to get serious.

And there's hope! I've gotten serious (and been successful thus far) with some lifestyle changes and adopting more positive habits. The trick will be whether or not I can continue those habits through several months of production and high-stress.

I leave Friday morning for a return trip to NYC and am getting excited!! It's another quick turnaround, but I'm finding that I enjoy the short visits to the city. There's always something left on my list for "next time" as I still haven't had the chance to drink in every experience that I'd like to. It keeps me coming back for more.

I will definitely post about my adventures... My daughter has been touting this 'vlog' thing... a 'video' blog, apparently. Now, I rather enjoy the fact that I'm writing this blog in my tattered, coffee-stained robe, hair in a topknot and not a bit of makeup on my face... but I don't believe that the world is ready to see that. So, the vlogs will be infrequent at best.

It's not that I'm proud... I just seek to retain the dignity I have left in my life.

And on that note, I'm off to make plans to get stupid in the city with all my pretty little chorus boys and girls! :)

Cheers!