No Souliciting!

I don't get along well with missionaries. While I believe they may be good people at heart and while I also believe that they are doing very important work, they typically make me feel uncomfortable. And I HATE feeling uncomfortable in my home, my sanctuary.

Well gee, Andi... have you stopped to analyze this?
Yeah, I have, smarty-pants. And I'm still going to be opinionated about it.

Some of you may know this, but for those that don't, a little background:
I was very involved in my church throughout all of my youth. Not only did my family go to church religiously (pun intended), but we were involved in the church choir, the youth groups, my parents were counselors, my uncle was the youth pastor for a short time, etc, etc. We didn't just go to church on Sunday morning. We went Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, and often other days between. I was a 'sidewalk evangelist' which is another name for a door-to-door missionary... I was a tool for God... a fisher of men... I just got a little sidetracked on the kind of man-fishing I was supposed to be doing, I suppose, but I digress...

I have nothing to discuss with missionaries. I used to entertain long religious debates, having memorized a good deal of scripture in my youth, but those debates lost their luster as I became a bit more set in my ways and intolerant of 19-year-old kids trying to give me advice.

See, that's the thing... I never like hurting people's feelings and I don't ever want these people to feel rejected themselves because I'm rejecting their religion. It's silly, I know... but I'm a people-pleaser and I think about stupid stuff like that. As I get older, however, I've grown more impatient with those that 'invade my space' uninvited or unannounced.

My old house was in a neighborhood that was regularly canvassed by Mormons at dinnertime. It was probably the third or fourth time I had answered the door with an oven-mitt on one hand, random utensil in the other, TV blaring in the background, phone ringing... that I directed them to the 'no soliciting' sign and told them that it included soliciting sprinkler, sound, alarm, and belief systems. They didn't come back.

And so it was that I moved into my new house and was returning after running some errands to find two men at my front door talking to my 17-year-old son.
Now, there were a couple things wrong with the picture right off the bat...
First, I do have a 'no soliciting' sign right by the front door.
I have decided that 'soliciting' is the LEAST known word in the English language. 95% of the time I point to that sign, I am met with a confused look as if to say, "Well I don't know what that means, but I assure you it does not apply to me!"

The second thing wrong with this picture was that my son was standing there with the door open... security screen still locked firmly between him and his guests. It was 112 degrees outside... and at the point that I walked in, it was about 90 degrees in the house. Grrrrr.

There was an uncomfortable energy in the air. I couldn't identify it... but it was that feeling when you walk into your home and automatically know something is "off". Those are the times I immediately start looking for signs of something broken or spilled or otherwise 'out of whack'. In this case, it was just an odd, oppressive energy.

I figured that hollering "Dinner's Ready!" would be a good 'hint' to our guests that it was time to wrap it up without butting into their conversation and being rude. I have yet to hear a peep from my son - he's merely listening. I catch his eye, and realize he may need assistance in being assertive with the fellah who is just still talking - and apparently not about to be interrupted.
So, I quietly stepped out the side door to get face-to-face with the interlopers.

As I approached, I realized that they were not Mormon missionaries as I first assumed.
Although they wore similar garb, one of the fellahs had his jacket slung over his shoulder and his shirtsleeves rolled up to reveal full sleeves of intricate tattoo work. His companion looked like an Amish guy (3/4 scale, cuz he was really short) who had borrowed his dad's suit jacket.
Then I realize that they're not reading from the Book of Mormon... nor a Watchtower pamphlet... they are reading from a King James bible! I stood back and waited to be acknowledged. They both looked in my direction and went right back to what they were discussing... sin... the many sins of man... and which commandments man is to live by to be free from sin...
So I wait...
Patiently...
and then I did the 'mom tap' with my foot followed by an "ahem"...

Both men turned to look at me and I pulled out my most dramatic 'bi-polar mom' voice and said, "What about the sin of not honoring your father and mother when they've called you to dinner THREE TIMES?"
Blank stares.
I explained that while I appreciated the important work they were doing, I was not going to tolerate being undermined by men any more and that they must leave my property at once, respect my 'no soliciting' sign and "respect my authoritay"! (Because no dramatic enactment is complete without a South Park quote.)
The little Amish one tried to hand me a small brochure to which I replied, "No thank you. I'm VERY firm in my faith and VERY positive that we have no business together" as I walked back around the corner and into my house muttering aloud in an effort to convince them that I was truly mentally unstable.

They littered my front door with their propaganda anyhow, and as soon as I saw the name of the pastor, everything clicked.

Pastor Steven Anderson of the Faithful Word Baptist Church.

No, I've never attended services there. I don't associate myself as a Baptist (having been raised non-denominational) and there's no good reason that his name would ring a bell.
Except that I have a strange hobby that started way back in the day when I was cast in a production of 'The Laramie Project'. I ended up not being able to do the show, but in some of my 'table work' (an actor's version of homework/research) I ended up reading a string of articles about the Westboro Baptist Church and Pastor Fred Phelps (of 'God Hates Fags' and funeral protestation fame). Since then, I've made it a habit to keep myself educated and informed about the agendas and missions of these factions. I don't know why... it's not like I wish to give them much of my time or energy, and reading about them usually pisses me off and makes me feel bitter towards Christians in general.

Long story short, I read articles about this Pastor and some trouble that he had both locally (going head-to-head with community groups and other churches) as well as a rather public incident coming back from Mexico that resulted in him getting his belligerent, holier-than-thou ass beat down by border patrol officers. (I admittedly watched all of the youtube videos, hoping that I could side with him and use his experience to quote one of my anti-government/power-hungry-cops rants, but instead formed the honest opinion that he was being a douche and deserved to get his face pummeled.) His most recent controversy was calling for his congregation to pray for the death of Obama.
His church engages in 'soul-saving' on a daily basis in their community... which is apparently also my community. Awesome.
I won't go into my own personal spiritual beliefs, but I do not and cannot and will not ascribe to any belief system that calls for someone's death or destruction. That's a big deal-breaker for me.

And so it was... that on this day... when I usually feel a momentary pang of remorse for turning people away from my door in an assertive manner... I felt a pang of remorse that I wasn't on top of my game enough to recognize him while he was in front of me so I could REALLY unload my inner angst.

I think this might be the first time that I'm hoping missionaries come back.

It's the first time in ages that I want to engage in spiritual debate again. I want to pick the brains of these homegrown, uneducated, backwards idiots who end up in positions of leadership... advising the masses... and find out how and why they are capable of perpetuating the convictions and philosophies they do.

In the meantime, I think I may have to change the wording of my 'no soliciting' sign to be a bit more specific.