Not-so-Zen with Julie Andrews

A few years ago, I started going through what I can only call my 'Zen' phase. I wasn't converting to Buddhism, but I started to adopt some of the eastern theology and principles to my daily life, which included stretching, breathing, meditating and other techniques for dealing with anger and stress issues.
Yes, world, I have anger issues.

Not like 'huge' ones... and I've certainly gotten better over the years... but I blush when I think of times that I've lost my cool in professional settings or wholly inappropriate situations. My outbursts are rarely physical, most often verbal, and I've often toed the line of being emotionally abusive with my jabs and barbs. No, I'm not proud of it... and it's a characteristic I seek to eliminate from my life completely, which is where I turned to a more 'Zen' existence.

Or so I thought.

As I was reflecting over the past few years, I was feeling very proud of my 'progress' when it comes to how I relate with others and how much less of a bitch I am nowadays. I was all kinds of puffed-up with my accomplishments and self-importance when I realized something...

I'm no less a bitch than I was three years ago. Or five. Or ten.

I've just gotten better at keeping my mouth shut and have learned to be indifferent towards certain people or demographics.

Seriously!

As I understand it, my 'Zen' life has afforded me no more peace or understanding or consideration in my inter-personal relationships. It has just made me shuffle people into different categories in order to eliminate passionate (read: angry) reactions to them.

So, I'm left to question whether the last several years has brought me more 'peace' or just 'indifference'.

I mean, it can't be the same thing... loving your neighbor is loving your neighbor... it doesn't mean 'not giving a crap'. And yet, I seem to have lost this important factor along the way.

I am admittedly less affected by gossip or the fear of judgment than I once was. I've always been prone to speak my mind and often don't realize until long after the fact that something I said or the words I chose caused offense or drama. This is because I'm not very self-aware. I don't know how I'm being perceived unless someone actually tells me. And sometimes, I'm perceived as a self-centered, unapproachable know-it-all, in which case, I understand why telling me might cause waves.
But when I do hear... and I do... about the latest rumor, or even the latest 'truth' that is making its rounds in the gossip circles, I can't say it doesn't affect me. I cringe. I get defensive. I argue. I get angry. Then I remember all the Zen crap I've read and I concentrate on my breathing and ask WWJD.

Now, this will sound a little gay to some people, so please bear in mind that I'm sentimental at heart and try not to hate on me too much for what I've already written or what I'm about to confess.

I love Julie Andrews.

Since I was a child, raised on The Sound of Music and Mary Poppins, I've loved her. She was always my vision of the perfect fairy-tale princess and later, my proverbial 'Queen Mother'. My WWJD applied to many a situation. "What Would Julie Do?" (I also have to add the disclaimer that sometimes my WWJD applies to Dame Judy Dench in many scenarios as well. Please don't tell either one that they are sharing the same catch-anagram, though. Thanks.)

Whenever I felt myself losing my composure, I would picture Mary Poppins or Victoria Grant and ask myself how any one of them would handle the situation... with the utmost grace and poise, of course. At auditions, this can backfire... but for the most part, I get over my nerves by channeling the confidence of Julie Andrews... or at least as much as I can muster in front of award-winning directors.

But then I realize that it doesn't always apply. I mean... for one, Julie Andrews wouldn't ever get herself into the kind of scenario where she was screaming at the costumer for a community theatre because the dress he spent the last 19 hours making was "hideous". (Don't worry, it was years and years ago and that costumer still loves me in spite of my hideous attitude that day.) Nor would Julie ruminate on how to defend 'tastefully' done nude photos of herself and her friends all over the internet. So, in many cases of my own life, I probably should have asked the WWJD question waaaaaaay before I actually do.

And I ask myself... is all of that poise and grace and natural charm a result of being at peace with oneself or merely being able to discern between what 'matters' and what doesn't?

I mean really? Does Julie Andrews go home at the end of a long shoot day, hot and sweaty after the AC in her car busted on a 114-degree day, and upon entering the door just let out a long stream of expletives? Does she call up her BFF with the latest 'Star' magazine and open the conversation with, "Bitch, you would NOT believe what they printed about me!" Does she chuckle and laugh before going back to her game of backgammon? Or does she sniff the air with disdain and then secretly go binge on Ben & Jerry's and/or a case of her finest cabernet?

And so it is... after much analysis... that I realize I'm probably no more Zen than I was five years ago. I'm just the tiniest bit more indifferent to certain things, that's all. I haven't found the secret of the lotus flower or become one with the Buddha. I haven't figured out how to channel out my negative energy without splattering one or two people in the process. I haven't triumphed over my own ego or been able to stop hating certain people.

I guess in the long run, I'm still pretty much a bitch.


Oh well... there's always Judy Dench.