The fragility of life

Both yesterday and today, I have been bombarded with images from the devastation in Haiti.
Meanwhile, my boyfriend of nine years is pacing the floor while his mother recovers in a Florida hospital from a stroke she suffered late Monday evening. It has all brought home how fragile and unpredictable life... and death... can be.

Life is short. It will end for all of us, whether we expect it or not.

Often people say we hate qualities in other people that we hate about ourselves. Psychologists call it transference, but no matter what label you put on it, it's still hypocrisy. I've spent the last couple of years in an attempt to rehabilitate myself from some of the qualities that I find least desirable.

I have been consistently guilty of deceit, manipulation, and gossip. I am weak-willed and indecisive and I procrastinate horribly. I have often been too concerned with what others think of me and have let it prevent me from making choices that I know are right, if less than popular. I'd like to think that I've made some progress. I've reassessed my priorities in life and my days are more joyous than they have ever been. I no longer take the things for granted that I used to feel entitled to. I now know they must be earned.

Next month, I will turn 35. In my short life, I have had times of great prosperity and have been completely destitute. I have betrayed friends and family and have been betrayed by those I was closest to. Life has seen its ups and downs and through it all, I've learned some very valuable lessons. And re-learned valuable lessons I should have mastered in my youth.

I've often questioned - in the most spiritual sense - what life is all about. Is it about converting others to God? Is it about constant worship and supplication, giving thanks for our short time on earth? Is it about paganism and the pursuit of sensual pleasures and material goods?

I believe it's a balance between the two. I believe that the best way to show thanks for our lives is to live it to the fullest. To answer 'the call' of what and who we love the most. To thank 'God' by doing.

When I go, I'd like it to be said that regardless of the scandals and controversies - that I lived and loved... and created things of beauty. That I gave selflessly to my art and to my family. That I stood by my friends and offered them joy and comfort.

Life is short. We do not know how it will end. But every day can be (and is) a new beginning.

I'm still working on myself and I'm sure that even when the end of my life arrives, I won't be satisfied. But in the meantime, I love and find joy in every day. I no longer obsess over what other people think of me, but rather I find it more important (and more satisfying) to love who I am, what I do, and what I stand for.

I haven't always been the perfect mom, daughter, wife, artist, friend. I probably never will be perfect. But my flaws have helped to shape who I am... and have offered me room to grow and improve. Not every actress gets the chance to actually 'live' the glorious arc that we are sometimes blessed with portraying.

For the family and friends who have stood by me at my worst and best, I can only hope to give them a return on their investment and pride in having shared in my life, my love, and even my drama.

I ask myself every day "what do you hope to accomplish?" and "is it positive and uplifting?" and if not, "why are you wasting your time?"

A natural disaster could hit at any time. Bodies can fail at any time. Make the most of it... and the best of it... now. While you can. That's what I intend to do.