Profanely Indecent De-Friending

I lost a Facebook friend today.

Truth is, I don't pay attention to the number of friends I have. And being in the industry I'm in, friends come and go with the ebb and tide of the theatre season... or a political term... or a wave of gossip. I don't usually take it personally. We binge and purge depending on where we are in our lives and what kind of validation or entertainment we seek.

Then there are those that seek to teach a lesson when they go. The friends that don't slip silently away from your newsfeed with a click of a button, but announce loudly, "I'm leaving and here's why!" That's what happened today. This 'de-friending' was only significant because it was both a family member and a lesson-giver.

"Andi - I just wanted to explain why I am taking you off of my Friends list. I do not appreciate some of your vulgar language or some of the raunchy things you have posted. I still love you as family, but I can nor condone your actions or behavior and just wanted you to understand. I will continue to pray for you."

Now, this isn't the first time I've been admonished by a friend or family member for my outrageously smutty or crude behavior. But as always, I feel like I have to ask, "Do you KNOW me?" I gave up shame for Lent some time ago and I haven't been the same since. So, let me discuss...

First of all, can we stop pretending that Facebook connections are equivalent to condoning someone's actions or behavior? They're not. I've got plenty of friends that participate in practices that I'm not particularly keen on (like butt-sex). Not only do I NOTbelieve that our cyberfriendship gives me the right to comment on (or stands to symbolize my validation of) their butt-sex, but I don't believe that any of them NEED my validation to continue having butt-sex ...or post reference to it on their profiles as often as they'd like. Thus, I am also not asking anyone to condone my cyber behavior.

Second, I don't filter my posts. If you're on my friends list, you're seeing EVERYTHING I post. I don't feel the need, nor do I have the time to separate friends from family, conservatives from liberals, theatre peeps from civilians, former students from former teachers, etc. I post what I post and say what I say and everyone gets to see it the same as everyone else. My parents, my kids, my friends, my ex-boyfriends, my frenemies... all treated to the same verbal vomit and self-promotion that I find relevant and post-worthy. Do I think everyone will agree and relate with what I post? No. My friends are much too diverse. Some will 'like' it, some will hate it, some won't see it because they hid me from their newsfeed long ago. That's the beauty of using your own features for you. You don't have to see what you don't want to. Unless it's an ad. Then you're just screwed. Then again (and this is where I do agree with him) the easier way to filter your newsfeed is to simply remove anyone that doesn't think and feel exactly the way you do. One of the basic tenets of Christ, I presume to be among the lost 11th-15th commandments. Ghandi said "Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are all in harmony." I am happy.

Third, if you find me raunchy, vulgar and offensive online - enough to cut ties with me - then it's probably in our mutual best interest. In the past month, I've posted references to poop, dicks, assholes, pin-up girls, 80's pop trivia, epic fails, skinny bitches, shark teeth, nude beaches, drinks with friends, funny tampon commercials, support of gay marriage and kids going off to college. Oh, and Amanda Palmer singing in the nude. None of which I find obscene, smutty, lewd, crude, or profanely indecent. Believe it or not, I actually do censor what I post online. So you can imagine how raunchy and vulgar my life really is! Full of foul language and inappropriate behavior, lewd and provocative dress, sex, lies, scandal, racism, sexism, fascism, polyamorism... whatever - you name it, I've lived it. Lived it for the adventure, the experience, the perspective and the human connection. And I love and cherish every single crude moment of it.

I find merit in Amanda Palmer's nude response to The Daily Mail. I find humor in the tampon commercial and Wil Wheaton's 'Don't be a Dick' Day. I find relevance and satire in friends musing online about the 'Real Housewives of Whoretown". I am liberated and unoffended. I do not have a sensitive constitution. I do not believe that the world should be made up of people who think and feel and behave and create the same way. THAT, to me, is an offensive thought. And if I'm offensive, how does one conduct oneself in the 'secular world'? If I'm that nasty, then you must not have basic cable.
And so my response was,


"Dear  _____, I'm sorry you feel the way you do, but I do understand. Your judgment and condemnation is not the first I've encountered. But I do not need anyone to condone or validate the blessed life I live. My raunch and vulgarity are parts of what make me a successful actress, writer, and comedienne. I don't believe that one of the tenets of Christ was to remove people from our lives who think, feel or behave differently, but I respect your decision to do so. Just because we are family does not mean we have to be 'friends'. I do not particularly agree with the views you express or the behavior you display, but I simply hid you from my news feed long ago. I'm sure there are others that deserve and need your prayers much more than I. Please breathe a sigh of relief and rest assured that my salvation is not in your hands. I personally release you from any responsibility or connection to me and my immortal soul. I hope that you can once again enjoy your newsfeed without my invasive offense. Sincerely, Andi"

One less online 'friend', and yet I feel oddly liberated that there is one less person watching my newsfeed for content to judge and condemn. It's also one less notification about today's bible verse or the movement to squelch the rights of others in the name of Christianity. Ghandi also said "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." (I think Ghandi may have met my great-uncle.) He also said that no one can hurt you without your permission. I also believe that to be true. There can be many perceived offenses in my life that I could allow to hurt - offenses that would cut off familial relationships or long-worn friendships. I choose stronger attributes instead - like love, tolerance, forgiveness, faith and loyalty. 
Or I just hit the 'unfriend' button and walk away - because it is not my place to judge intentions nor to teach lessons. I'll leave that to the elite chosen few. 

While you cannot choose your family, you can choose your Facebook friends... and sometimes that's way better in the long run.
And on that note, I'm off to live my smutty, morally crude life doing what I love and thanking my higher power for the abundance and joy I experience every day.